I can't remember when I have been so thoroughly exhausted. For the last two
days I felt as though each move was almost impossible. The tiniest of chores
sends me back to bed. I don't remember feeling this way when my Daddy died.
I was so occupied looking after my newly widowed Mom that I did not have
time to grieve. It has been as though I am grieving the loss of both of them
now at the same time.
Early each morning David heads off to the gym before work. The house
is dark and empty. I wander into the kitchen, let Bentley out and make a
cup of tea. Thank goodness for the instant hot tap because I have not had
the energy to heat up a kettle on the stove. It takes me a couple of hours
to unload the dishwasher because I have to do it in stages. First the plates,
and then sit down on the stool at the counter. Then the flatware, another
break and on and on. Who would think such a simple task could take such
Normally I look forward to my workouts every day. I pop in a Pilates
dvd and enjoy every moment. I am trying to keep up the workouts
because it's good for me, but my heart is just not into it. I break it up into
15 minute segments to simplify it, but it's still such an effort. This
morning I did some Tai Chi. That was a bit easier for me. I keep
wondering what has happened. Normally I am like a racehorse. Give
me a bowl of oats and I am ready to run. Now I am dragging.
I found a few things of Mom's to add to her room. A couple of
things I want to paint and fix up. I would like to get busy with that
and show you pictures, but I just don't have the energy to do it. It's as
though I have the flu without the virus and without the temperature.
My headache has lasted for two days and I very rarely ever have one.
My shoulders and neck ache. David suggested I go have a massage
but I am too tired to hop in the shower, get dressed and go over to the
spa which is really close by. Too much effort.
Yesterday I spent most of the day in my jammies looking at old
photograph albums. One album I had not seen for years. It contains
pictures of my Daddy when he was a little boy. Grandma and
Grandpa at the little summer cabin on Lake Erie. Daddy with his
little sister Ruth. Daddy with his favorite Uncle John. Grandma and
her sister Twila (who looks like me). I always wondered where I got
my nose. My nose is upturned. Daddy's was straight and fine. Mom's
was too. I got a "little girl" type nose. From who ~ from Great Aunt
Twila that's who. Daddy's family loved to have fun. Picnics, antics
always laughing and smiling with lots of family. Grandma's brothers
all so blond and Swedish looking. My Grandpa came from a family of
five brothers and they were all fun loving. They all lead such happy and
family oriented lives. Knowing this gives me some peace.
The day before my Mom died, my Aunt Susan slipped and fell in her
bathroom and broke her hip. I have been worried about her. She came
through the surgery just fine but is hard to have much of a
conversation with her because she is a bit loopy from the pain meds.
Sometimes things just seem to happen all at once.
Well, I am getting tired again. It is time for me to take a nap.
Now that I have Mom's ashes back and the copies of the death
certificates, I will have so much paperwork to do and so many
phone calls to make. I will only be able to accomplish a small
bit at a time. The process of grief is exhausting.
Big Texas Hugs,
Susan and Bentley