Sunday, January 18, 2015

Scabs Over the Wounds




Last week I wasn't feeling very well and I know why.  I was making myself 
sick.  I mentioned a while back that we had been hurt by someone who lied and
did it in a very calculated way for their own financial benefit.  As I also 
mentioned, I did and am doing my best to let that go.  But the lingering
thought I have is this ...



Did I make a horrible mistake by moving here and thus being 
subjected to this person?   I never had this happen before. No one
has ever intentionally tried to hurt us this way before.  Is it
just this town, this state, this place that is making me feel so
vulnerable?  I even convinced my Mom to move down here.
Did I make the worst mistake of my life?

Last week I was believing that I had indeed made a big mistake.




It's not my first time at the rodeo.  I have lived in many
different cities in my life.   I have always adapted and have
made friends easily.  I don't ever remember anyone going out
of their way to hurt me.  Why now?  




Had I put myself in an environment where this type of
behavior was the norm?  Would it happen again?  This 
person who perpetrated the hurt not only got away with it
but directly benefited from the action.  

All those thoughts were going through my head.  



We made such a big commitment moving down here.  
Packing up two households, selling three houses,  selling a
business, saying goodbye to long time friends and business
associates.  Major, major changes that happened quickly and
permanently.  



All last week I kept thinking ~ now I am here.  Now I am
stuck with the decision.  Do I forge ahead and keep trying to
build a new life for myself here or do I give up?

I love this house and the beautiful gardens that came with it.
We have very nice neighbors.  Do I dare trust this decision?
Can I be sure that something like what happened to us will
not happen again?



I was and still am feeling vulnerable.  There is still a scab over the 
emotional wound.  I also know there will probably be a scar.  



I can't live my life on pins and needles and frankly I refuse to do so.  
So now it's up to me to create the reality I want.  I am giving myself some
time to heal because I don't want that scar to be too big.  Yet wounds and
scabs are part of life and while it's not possible to avoid them, we all have
the ability to slough them off and to learn how not to be so vulnerable.

I have decided to stay here but I will do my best to insulate myself.
That scar will just become a tougher skin.

Big Hugs,
Susan and Bentley







41 comments:

  1. So sorry for your hard times. I do not know you, but one of my mottos is, "this too shall pass...with time." Good thoughts to you for a speedy emotional recovery. Hugs, Christy

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    1. I am sure it will pass. It's hard for me now because I am still new to this area and trying hard to feel at home. This experience did not make me feel welcome or at home.

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  2. I am so very sorry but those type of people are everywhere sadly. I am a true believer in karma we may not see it or we may never know it but what they give out will come back to them. A big hug from freezing NH
    Cathy

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  3. Oh my friend, wish I could say something to make you eel a little better, but I can see you are very hurt and it was probably something heavy that went on. You know, there's always a reason for everything and this person is not going to benefit from this one, you'll see, it always happens.
    Your post it's so beautiful, such lovely, soothing and serene things you shared with us, that maybe your heart will someday feel like this too.
    Have a better week and God will help you feel better; just pray, it does good.
    Big hugs,
    FABBY

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  4. Wow. I am so sorry. I will pray for you.

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  5. Susan, I'm not familiar with your situation since I just found your blog but I want to send you a big {{HUG}} and will definitely pray for you and your family. I know, firsthand, how difficult it is to get past someone hurting you so badly. I don't know why some people choose to hurt others but that is them and you can't change that. It does take time and it may never completely heal but you just do the best you can each day and look for the small blessings in your life. And it is very much okay to completely shut out people that are hurtful in your life.

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  6. Dear Susan, I enjoy your blog very much and it is sad to know someone hurt you and your husband. You own your happiness she does not so write all the dislikes on a sheet of paper. Then put the list in a garbage bag and take the trash out never to be brought back into your darling little home. Make a cup of tea and know that your sweet father would never want his little girl be so sad. Get up each day and say you have a wonderful husband who adores you (after all a man who asks his wife if she wants to go to Home Goods) and make every moment a treasured memory for you both! Prayers sweet blog land friend you will be 1000% SOON! :) Love from Robin in NYC :)

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    1. Thank you Minnie in NYC. Did you know that I used to live there? I loved NY. I met some of the nicest people ever there and some of them are still good friends after many years. I never had an unhappy moment living there and will always think of it as my second home.

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  7. Hello Susan,
    I'm so sorry that you are hurting so. I had something like this happen to me a few years ago and I am slowly recovering from the pain. I know that you cannot run from it by leaving the place where it happened. I believe that it's not the place we are in at the time that causes the pain, it's that person who just happened to be there and wanted to cause hurt. In time you will feel the sadness a little less and I hope that you heart heals. It's hard to forget but never let someone else still your happiness.

    hugs
    Sissie

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    1. Thanks so much for coming to visit me and I appreciate your kind and thoughtful words.

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  8. Oh no - Susan, I'm so very sorry to hear this happened to such good folks. Whoever intentionally did this to you is a low-life! Don't let jerks like that ruin your happiness in your home and gardens. It is their lack of character and it will catch up to them. It happens to all of us and we just put on an extra cautious layer and not let it get to us overall. Stay happy and stay strong ! oxox

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    1. I just hope that this person never does this to anyone else.

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  9. I am sorry you are facing these upsetting times. But as others have said--it is not where you are living, it is the sad state of what and how some people think is OK to do to others. So many people have no morals, respect, no honor, and absolutely no care as to what harm they do as long as they get what they want. You see and here about this everywhere. It may seem harsh, and maybe not too Christian of me but I say pray for them they will not do this to anyone else and they learn from the hurt and harm they caused and go forward being a better person--and then have nothing to do with them--friend or family included. Harsh yes, but I feel we need to protect ourselves too and if this is what has to be--it has to be. Hopefully these people can change and prove they are better in the future and then you can decide if they deserve you. I say this from experience--and my heart has mended and my life is less chaotic. I hope only the best for you...

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  10. Well, Susan, I wasn't going to address this because I thought you were on the mend; but let me tell you that with time you will start to heal. Four years ago our only daughter decided we had been very bad parents and that we had favored her brothers over her. Of course, that was only in her mind; but she told us she didn't want anything else to do with us. She also convinced her two daughters that she was right and they should have nothing to do with us either. One of them has our only two great-grandchildren whom we have never seen. She wrote us two very very ugly emails listing what she considered slights and "wrote us off." Her main beef was that we had babysat our youngest son's two children and that we had helped (not financially but emotionally) our oldest son who was going through a very bitter divorce. If you read the emails, you would see the ugly green monster of jealousy woven throughout. Now, so that you know the background, we were both working full time when she had her children and she is married to an abuser who wouldn't allow us to keep their children unless he wanted us to. By the time our youngest son had children we had retired and had time to babysit. We did not consider it her business to tell her that he was paying us, and the money was very convenient; although we would have done it free. He and his wife insisted, so we took it but didn't tell her. Also, about 20 years ago, she left her abusive husband, borrowed money from us to pay a down payment on a divorce and stayed with us, but went back to him in about two weeks. What was so bad is that there was no hint she had any of this on her mind. She blindsided us at a time when we were working so hard to keep our oldest son from "going off the deep end." All our friends who have known her most of her life, without exception, said, "Well, you spoiled her giving her everything she wanted, and you have to realize she is married to an abuser who has finally succeeded in turning her against you." My common sense told me they were right, but that didn't alleviate the pain we were feeling. That was four years ago in December, and I have to tell you I do have a scar and always will, but I don't feel the pain any more. She made the decision to turn her back on all our family including her two brothers. We just have to remind ourselves that she and her family are the losers. I have to tell you, I almost lost my mind with that and son's divorce at the same time; but with God's help and much prayer we are moving on through His love and grace. Do I still think about it - YES! Can I live with it - YES! You can't run from trouble because the Bible tells that in this world you will have trouble. The one thing our family can do is know for a fact we did nothing wrong - were we perfect parents - NO. Were we the best parents we knew how to be - YES! I do believe that people who deliberately hurt others will be paid in kind. I would be lying if I told you that it should be easy to get over, but I tell you the truth when I tell you that you can learn to live with it. Just remember not to let a root of bitterness spring up in you that will ultimately destroy you, because she will be moving on to hurt someone else. She may appear to have benefitted from it, but don't forget that God is the final judge of what people do. You have been and will continue to be in my prayers.

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    1. I am so sorry to read about your difficulties with your daughter. I wish I could speak to her directly and tell her to mend her fences with you. Life is far too short and our families are far too precious to allow fighting. I will pray for her and ask God to soften her heart and for Him to comfort you as well.

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  11. I apologize for the long post above, but it was on my heart to say. I hope it can speak to you in some positive way.

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  12. Susan, Don't let this nasty person take away all the good in your life. From experience, we learned to hold our heads up, and live our lives. A person we loved spread rumors about us, sued us for money that did not exist, and stole family items from us. Lots of people believed her, because people always want to believe the worst of other people. But not all, and those wonderful friends began telling others they believed she was lying. She was someone who, if had a choice between good and evil, always chose the bad. She spiraled down into what I think was madness. She went on to do criminal acts to another person and is a convicted felon. It is still painful, but it has passed. I shed lots of tears and felt betrayed for years, but have come to peace with it. I will never have anything to do with her again, but I have forgiven her, I just won't forget.

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    1. I am sorry for your loss and the pain this person caused you. While I am not naive enough to believe that we can all love one another, at the very least we can all respect one another and never do anything to bring harm.

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  13. My heart ache for you. This had to be a big thing that happened to you. You will always feel the pain but it will get better with time and prayer. I know that God answers our prayers but in his own time. It's hard to wait sometimes.
    It is hard to move and make friends. It's easier when you have children. Sometimes you can meet friends at church. Not all churches but there are some. I admire you for staying. I might have packed up and headed for the place that made me feel at home. It's still early in your move and also your loss of your mother. You are where you are for a reason. Not sure what that is. I don't believe that everything happens for a reason but maybe your placement is. .
    I have had people I love do some very hurtful things. It does make you physically ill. Just keep on trying to move forward even if it is an inch at a time.
    HUGS

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  14. Hi Susan,
    Something very similar happened to me when I moved to this town, alone and not knowing anyone. It wasn't just one person, it was three people who used me to get something they wanted, either money, a business maneuver or a local political move. I felt like the entire town must be bad. Staying made me stronger and I lost my naivete about people. I finally realized that my light shines stronger than theirs.
    Ginene

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    1. I can relate. Moving to a new town is difficult enough without being confronted with mean girls. I am glad that things improved for you and you are stronger and happier now.

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  15. I think most of us have been burned by someone we trusted one way or another. It's easy to fall into a trap of questioning yourself or blaming others. I've been battling this in my own life lately. One thing that helps me is ask myself a few questions. I'll share them with you in case you would like them for your situation.

    Is this woman worth spending your time worrying about her?

    Is it worth you being miserable dwelling on what she did when you cannot change the results now?

    Is it making your life productive, happier or helping you in any way to continue to dwell months later about her?

    Will it hurt HER for you to continue wasting your energy and emotions dwelling on this?

    As Eleanor Roosevelt said "No one can make you feel inferior without your consent."

    You can continue to dwell on her and give her the power to make your life miserable. In that case, she's won a lot more than just money. The fact you continue to let yourself be upset about this really don't affect her life since she's probably already moved on to going after her next victim. You aren't hurting her by dwelling on this.

    Your other option is to just accept she's a bad person and move on. You and your husband did what you thought was right by trusting her. It's not your fault that she hurt you. You've already acknowledged that. Since the problem is financial, maybe there are legal resources to get your money back. It may or may not be worth it to seek that. If not, then you may just have to chalk this up to a learning experience about how to deal with people like her.

    By going on with your life, you are taking control of the situation because you won't be letting her hurt you anymore. That will take away her power and that will make you a lot happier in the long run.

    I don't mean for that to sound harsh, but it's one of those life lessons I've had to face and know it's a healthier way to deal with life's problems.

    Whatever happens, I hope you can find peace within yourself and learn to be happier in your new community. Last year was a hard one for you, so I hope 2015 is a much better year for you!

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    1. This person did not steal money from us, rather she used her lie to gain a position for herself. I don't consider her a thief but she is guilty of a vicious lie. I did think about the legal route and we could go that route, but have chosen not to. Primarily for our own piece of mind. After giving it much thought, the biggest problem for me is that we are so new here and it although we technically live in a small city, it feels much more like a small town. Everyone seems to know everyone else. It's hard to escape. I am a big city girl and the beauty of a big city is that one can easily move into a new social circle or a new job and begin again. Thanks for all your help. I appreciate it so much and I am taking it all to heart.

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  16. Susan I think you are being very brave and reasonable about this situation. Mean girls / mean people are everywhere so I am sure where you live will turn out to be a wonderful place for you. Your photos are perfection, so light and pretty, you are spreading joy with your posts.

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    1. Thank you for your kind words about my photos. I just got a new camera and have not used it yet but am hoping that my pics will be better yet.

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  17. I'm sorry for your pain. Small towns/cities can be small and petty. I have moved to a small town and am encountering cliches, etce. I need to remain true to myself in order to survive. Be strong.

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    1. You have a friend in me. Thanks for stopping by!

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  18. Susan - Don't let this person keep taking your joy away. That's what she intended to do. I know you are still reeling from the move and especially your Mom's passing but you are definitely a survivor and will come out ahead. That person will have to answer for her actions. Prayers sent your way.

    Judy

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    1. Thank you Judy. You have been a rock and I know you have been suffering through your own loss. Thank you for your prayers and I am praying for you also.

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  19. Dearest Susan And Bently , I think if you stay put thing can only get better for you . Remember the God Father , keep your friends close and your enemeys closer ! VERY GOOD ADVICE ! This persons charcter will become fully exposed with time. But be careful not to bad mouth them as gossip travels fast. And you never know where their allies lie . The wonderful person that you are will make the true and just people who catch wind of this escapade that happened protect your good name and person. Brush it off rise above it because you can ! Your going to have to stand your ground firmly and let this snake slither back to whence it came . Its important that you do not appear weak because the vultures will swoop in and finish the job. Sad but true. So stiffen your back raise your chin and carryon my Darling ! God bless and keep you close XO Karen P.

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    1. Thank you so much Karen! I will keep my chin up.

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  20. My thoughts and prayers are with you Susan in your time of hurt. Time will heal,believe me,we can't forget but we can learn to live with with it'

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  21. Listen to Judy..."let" is the operative word!!!! There are so many nice folks around here (and nice doggies too).
    My sweet daughter is going through a situation with folks who stole from her for their gain...it's never a pretty picture, but I told her what I am telling you...we don't have to think "retribution". There is One higher than we, who will take care of that for us. We just need to choose peace and thankfulness. There are lots of good things to be thankful for!
    You have had a monstrous couple of years, and need some time to heal and move forward. Don't let negative feelings/people get you down!!
    Many blessings to you and a Bentley hug as well,
    J

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Bentley and I LOVE and read every comment.

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