Wednesday, January 7, 2015

So What Do I Do Now?


The holidays are now over.  The worst of my mourning period has now passed.
It's a new chapter of my life and I am currently feeling "at sixes and sevens".

What do I do now?
How do I fill each day with meaning?
What is it that will make me excited about the future?



I have been giving these questions so much thought lately.
I have decided that there are only two ways to face life ~
full speed ahead or give up and hide under the covers.
I did think about hiding under the covers, I truly did.  In fact,
in many ways I have been hiding under the covers for these
past many months.  I was refusing to participate in a world
that had suddenly become so foreign to me.



Every once in while I would get the courage to face the real
world and then it seemed that something would happen and I
would go back to my self imposed exile.

Something did happen last fall that not only drove me back
under the covers but also sent me into what I now realize was
a deep depression.  I tried to gloss it over but as everyone knows,
one can't cover a gaping wound with a little bandaid.


This something that happened was perpetrated by someone who
tried her best to hurt us.  It came as such a blow to the bow that
it really threw me off course at a time when I was already treading 
on very shaky ground.  I was hurt and angered by a horrific lie
that was purposefully designed to destroy our security.  

I cried.  I hid.  I felt terribly alone with my pain.



But life has a way of handing us opportunities on a
platter when we least expect it.  My husband and I were
invited to attend a social event over the holidays where 
this person was present.  She, the perpetrator of the
vicious lies, saw me from across the room.  She looked
at me and smiled and waved as if nothing had ever 
happened.  

We were in conversation with several others when this
smile and wave were directed at me.  

I turned my head in her direction.  Without uttering a word,
I gave her an icy Grace Kelly type stare.  One look said it all.
I saw her hand slowly move downward from it's wave 
position.  I saw the corners of her lips turn downward from
their previously upturned smile.  Her eyes began to look at
the floor.  

Without lifting a sword, I had won the battle.



It dawned on me that night that I was given a sign, a message
that it was time for me to look ahead.  One brief and enlightening
moment made me realize that I had not just won a battle, but 
I had also ended the war within my soul.  

No more hiding under the covers.  It's now full steam ahead.
I can't turn my back on an opportunity to embrace life fully
once again.  I am excited about the future despite not knowing
where my little ship will take me.   I am looking forward to
the voyage and I hope you will enjoy the dialogue.

Big Texas Hugs,
Susan and Bentley

23 comments:

  1. You slayed the dragon with one evil eye! Yay!
    Brenda

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    Replies
    1. Yes I suppose I did and it gave me some pleasure too.

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  2. I'm glad you've been able to weather the storm. It's so hard to be hurt and takes such courage to face it. Bravo! I had the opposite when someone in my community hurt me so badly I seriously felt at times that life wasn't worth living. The hurt was that deep and it worried my family. But one day, I had to go to a meeting and out of the blue, there she was. I could feel her eyes glaring at me before I even turned around. As I did, I spotted her and she abruptly turned away, feeding the hurt once more. But I actually did the opposite of you and walked up to her, greeted her, and something came out of my mouth that I had not planned to say. Nothing negative. A greeting of some sort. But she wasn't expecting it. She turned bright red and fled the room. I felt so empowered, just as you did. I realized later the reason I did that was in the moment, I knew she'd be attending that meeting often, and I wasn't going to let her overpower me in public. She came often, and every time, I greeted her. Not warmly, not with a message of forgiveness, just an acknowledgement that she was in the room. Now she doesn't attend, in fact, she has now left the career that we shared. So in the end, her words that hurt so deeply for me, caused a different pain for herself. And here I stand! Keep it up. You've won!!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. You won too and I am proud of you. You actually are very brave, much more brave than I am. I was tempted to say something but didn't. My fear actually worked out to be effective. Yet we both came away from our encounters feeling empowered and that is a wonderful feeling. I wrote this post for two reasons, firstly it was cathartic. Secondly, I wanted my readers to know that you don't need to back down and hide if someone has wrongfully hurt you. Stand tall and let the perpetrator squirm a bit. It may not stop them from hurting someone else, but it just might slow them down. Bravo Chy!!

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  3. I've felt the hurt in your voice for some time now Susan and am so glad you've over the hurt and sadness that that mean person laid on you. People just don't realize how hurtful words can be and what is even worse is when they do realize what they are doing. I'm sure that the move, losing your Mom and then this were all such a blow to your sweet spirit. Look forward to the good times ahead with your hubby and Bentley and enjoy every day as he comes. Life is so short and we have to savor every second.

    Love ya,
    Judy

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    Replies
    1. Thank you so much Judy. I know that you are going through your own dark time and it's so kind of you to think of me and to wish me well. Remember how last year we were trying to get together in Galveston? Let's try to make something like that happen this year.

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  4. When I feel venerable, I try to remember this quote. “No one can make you feel inferior without your consent" - Eleanor Roosevelt
    It has served me well on several occasions when I was deeply hurt.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thank you for reminding me of that quote ~ it is such a good one.

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  5. Touches my heart to see you so sad. Just continue to take it one day at a time, that's all any of us have. I love the words to this old song.
    One day at a time sweet Jesus
    That's all I'm askin' of you
    Just give me the strength
    To do every day what I have to do
    Yesterday's gone sweet Jesus
    And tomorrow may never be mine
    Lord, help me today, show me the way
    One day at a time

    Praying God's comfort and direction for your life. Tell Bentley hello!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thank you Mary. You have been a rock of support for me and I am so very grateful.

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  6. You made my day & you didn't even know it! Thanks to your blog I was reminded of an old country song that I love. My dad, God rest his soul was a big country music fan & I used to hear that song often as he played it on our big old stereo. Thanks to Mary too for sharing it with you & thusly sharing it with me also. What should you do? I know one thing for sure. Keep brightening my day with your delightful blog.
    P.S. I am still ever so jealous of that little lovely light yellow quilt! Lol, hugs Susan.

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    Replies
    1. That is a wonderful song and I am so glad that this is the forum that Mary chose to share it with all of us!

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  7. You were dealing with a miserable jealous woman who MUST put others down to build herself up. What a pathetic soul!! You, David and Bentley have, no doubt, become popular in Victoria; and that eats her lunch. Take it from a 77 year old native, not all Texas women are like that. You asked, "What do I do now?" Write your book, take that college course you talked about, keep blogging (for us and you), enjoy your husband, Bentley and home; but most of all - don't ever let anyone steal your joy!!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thank you ~ your words mean a lot to me. Yes, I do realize that not all Texas women are like that. I have been fortunate enough to meet some very nice ones and this nasty woman is the exception and thankfully not the rule. Thanks for lifting me up!

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  8. When I returned to work after my vacation I found a knife painfully planted in my back by someone I had worked side by side with for the past 8 years. It really throw me and took me some time to get over. I still treat her the same but I no longer consider her a friend. She's now just someone I work with that I know I can no longer trust. I don't understand how people can be so mean. We have to move on...

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    Replies
    1. I will never understand why some think they must pull someone else down to get ahead. There is plenty of room for all of us to succeed. I am so glad to know that you moved past the hurt.

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  9. You go girl!! Grab life and hold on! So proud of you...

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  10. I didn't know anything about this but it was courageous of you to share it on your blog. People can be so cruel...how we all deal with it is very different. I am the type to look the other way...as my husband always says, "Be the better person.". But sometimes I just want to scream!!! I hope I never meet anyone who hurts me as this woman has hurt you. Bravo for getting your message across in such a graceful way.

    Jane x

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  11. I love the phrase "full speed ahead" that is what I need. Someone has hurt our family so so badly and has brought so much pain to our lives. So I guess I need to go "full speed ahead" - I will as soon as the weather gets warmer, hate these below 0 degrees.

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  12. Bless your heart, so happy to see you are rising above and enjoying life again!

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  13. Oh if I would only be given such an opportunity !!!! I have several dragons to slay ! And the Pheonix rises from the ashes ! Good for you . Carry on and prosper.

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  14. Susan, I know most of us will never have the chance to meet you face to face, but we are friends and we care. It's hard to watch someone you care about struggle with the hurt that sometimes comes from out of nowhere. For it to happen to you while you were so vulnerable after the loss of your Mother just made the hurt more devastating. I have noticed a sadness in your posts, and am happy to hear of your strength to face this challenge. May your days become brighter and filled with new friendships and let the healing continue. If you're ever up my way I would love to give you a Motherly hug. God Bless.

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Bentley and I LOVE and read every comment.

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