Christmas Memories and a Little Lamb

These past few weeks leading up to Christmas have been a roller coaster

of emotions for me.  Some days I do quite well ~ better than I 

expected.  On other days I just don't even feel like getting out of bed.

Hospice of South Texas checks up on me offering me support.  I know

that the wide range of emotions I am experiencing are normal.

A few days ago I ran into someone who asked me about

my Mom.  She had not heard that Mom had passed away.

It was all I could do to hold back the tears because once

they start to flow they seem impossible to stop.

I am getting ready to decorate the big Christmas tree in the living 

room.  In the past, decorating the tree has been such a joy.

Every ornament brought back many happy memories.  This

year I have all of my own ornaments but I also have all of the

ones that belonged to Mom and Daddy.  Opening this large

box of carefully and lovingly packed ornaments has been 

bittersweet.  Mom died about six weeks after packing away

these ornaments last year.  The first Christmas without her ~

the fifth one without Daddy.

Yet I am also finding some comfort in the familiar.  Things that

have been treasured for a few years and those loved for so many.

Memories so precious and filled with the voices and images of

loved ones.  I don't think that there is any other time of year that

so filled with the past as is this time.

Yesterday when I shared photos of the tree in my studio, a reader

asked me about the little lamb on my tree that I treasure.  So

in response to that request, here is the back story.

When I was a little girl, I became very ill with pneumonia.  I was

hospitalized and when I reached the crisis stage of the illness, the

doctors let my parents know that they were giving up hope.  I 

remember the experience quite well.  I floated up above my little

body and saw my parents and the doctors below.  I did not know

why they were worried because I felt fine but could not communicate

that message to them.

Well, obviously I pulled through.  However, the idea of almost losing

their only child who was conceived after many years of a childless

marriage was terrifying to them.  My mother was now old enough

that no other children would be born.  She had also experienced

the loss of her own older sister and brother to illness while she

was a young girl and this early knowledge of death was very

real to her.  

As a consequence, she became what her friends said was

"over protective".  Every sneeze, every little cough became

a national emergency.  I missed going to lots of movies

and outings that all kids love because of the potential for

catching some kind of bug.  Crowds were strictly off limit. I 

spent lots of time at home with my little Scottie dog and my 

dolls and toys.  

I longed to be like the other kids in my school and my

neighborhood but understood that the freedom I would

have to participate in these activities would be limited.

As a consequence, any time I did get to join in on any

adventures became especially meaningful to me.

The Christmas season was a particularly guarded one because

Mom never wanted me to be sick for the holidays. But one year

she took me along with a couple of friends to a Christmas

pageant at a nearby church.   I was incredibly happy that day to

be with my friends and be in a roomful of other kids.  It was

truly a high point in my young life.  

There was a Christmas bazaar following the pageant and my Mom

and some of her friends were shopping for gifts.  Mom gave me

some money and told me I could pick out anything I wanted.  I 

was very careful to look through everything before I made my

decision ~ but then I saw him ~ this little lamb.  It was love at

first sight.  His little pink ears and the bell around his neck.

I paid for him and took him home and have loved him ever since.

He became a symbol to me that life could get better.  He

became a symbol of hope.  

So now, years later as I lovingly placed him on the tree in

my studio the memories that flood back are happy ones and

there is hope that life will go on and that it will be good.

What's It Wednesday

Big Texas Hugs,

Susan and Bentley