Depression and a Loved One's Thoughts of Suicide

We all are feeling a bit sad today.  The passing of 

Robin Williams is a loss for us all.  He was able to touch

each of us with his brilliant performances.  While he 

could bring us to fits of laughter he was also able to give

us deeply human characters we will long remember.  I have

read that he was battling the demons of depression.  Perhaps

he was just tired of the battle.  My heart goes out to the

family he left behind.  While depression seems so

personal to the one who lives it, the heartache of this

ailment also affects everyone in the family.

My Mother suffered from depression.  As a young child I did not

understand it's implications.  All I knew was that something was

wrong and I kept trying to fix it.  That was an impossible task for

a young girl especially when my Daddy's busy career often took

him out of the country for weeks at a time.  I was left alone with

a woman who was suffering and as a consequence I was 

suffering as well.

There were increasing hospital visits for unknown illnesses.

I was packed off to live with friends.  It was a very lonely

and confusing time for me.  Then one Sunday after my Mom

and I had returned home, she locked herself in her bedroom

and called her sister and told her that she planned to swallow

a bottle of pills because she was so unhappy.  She just

wanted everything to be over.

My Aunt drove out to the suburbs and packed our bags.  We drove

into the city where my Mom was admitted into the hospital while I

waited in the lobby.  I remember clutching a stuffed bear and trying 

to block out the waves of fear.

I lived with my Aunt and Uncle and their two sons

for a while.  My teachers at school arranged for a

home study program for me so I would not fall behind.

It was a structure and normalcy I needed and I was

able to better cope with my situation.  But it was

one that was not allowed to continue.  Daddy was in

South America.  From his hotel in Rio he arranged

for me to stay with a family who lived in our suburban

village.  Although I wanted to stay with my Aunt, I was

told I had to return to my school, so I was packed off.

It was the darkest time in my young life.  Although everyone

was kind to me, I felt like an intruder.  There were the 

whispered comments they thought I did not notice.  The

stigma of having a parent who had suicidal thoughts.  

Depression was a topic that was swept under the rug.  It

was unacceptable in our perfect little suburban village.

While I was living with my heartache, my Mom was

battling her own.  Her depression was so severe that she

was given electroconvulsive therapy several times over

a course of a few weeks.  I did not know about it until

it was time for her to return home.  A housekeeper was 

hired and my Mom spent her days in bed.  I would try to

sit with her and try to talk with her but the therapy

caused memory loss and she did not know who I was.  

My childhood finally came to an abrupt end.

I was far too young to fully comprehend all that was

happening around me and helpless to be of any 

assistance so I slipped into a world of my own.

I became very withdrawn.  My once perfect grades in

school dropped.  The only thing that brought me joy

was horseback riding.  I spent every free moment at 

the stable.  I spent hours on the back of a horse 

sailing over higher and higher fences.  My horse and

my dog were my only solace.

Daddy enrolled me in a private school and I 

started to thrive under it's caring teaching 

staff.  My life came out of the shadows.  

When I went to college I minored in psychology

partly because I hoped it would help me to

understand my Mom's illness better.  While

it did help me to understand her, the pain

of her illness touched us all.  

Eventually her illness improved.  The bouts of depression

lessened.  She was able to find a degree of happiness.

Sadly, there were big gaps in her memory, especially of

her memories of me as a child.  I treasure my own 

memories of her as we were able to spend the last few

months of her life together. 

While I believe that the illness of depression is better

understood by the public today than it once was, I

also know that a loved one's battle with the illness

becomes a battle that all the family members must face.

I hope that Robin Williams is now in peace and that

his family members can find the way to cope with 

his choice.

Big Texas Hugs,

Susan and Bentley