The Anniversary of Mom's Passing

Last year at 4:30 am my Mom passed away from this world into 

another.  I was with her.  I remember every moment of those wee

hours of the morning.  The darkness, the stillness.  The phone call to the 

hospice nurse who had just been with us a few hours earlier. 

The oxygen being shut off.  The lights in her dimly lit bedroom suddenly

bright.  The soft classical music playing in the background.  The 

stethoscope.  The nurse checking her watch for the exact time.

I was impervious to pain.  I was lost in a haze ~ somewhere ~ nowhere ~ like

a body dropped off a ship and left to float in an unknown sea.  Alone, so

terribly alone now.  

Going through the motions.  Talking with and yet not fully hearing the words of the

nurse sitting by my side.  Waiting for someone from the mortuary to arrive.

Feeling so uncertain in a town where I had only lived for a few short months.

It was nine days since her massive stroke.  I was always hopeful, despite the

dire predictions of the palliative care physician.  He knew the end was coming

although I chose not to accept it.  

Now it was over.  Had I forgotten how to breathe?  I was cold, so cold

I could not warm up.  Get some rest I was told.  Later that day would be

a busy one.  I felt like I had left my body and was looking at myself from

afar.  I was thrust onto a stage and left without a script.  

It was over ….

During these last twelve months I have struggled with my loss.  Some

months were better than others.  I had a very tough set back last fall, yet

somehow and from somewhere I began to feel a renewed strength.  I 

nurtured that tiny bit of strength.  I held on to it tightly.  As I nurtured

it, it began to grow slowly and steadily.  

Time does indeed heal wounds.  I made it through the past year without

completely crumbling.  I know that my Mom and Daddy are together

and that gives me comfort.  If you were to eavesdrop on me when I am

at home alone, you might well catch me talking to them.  I fill them in on

what's going on in my life.  I feel like they are listening and that helps

me cope with the loss.

I am hopeful for the future.  Life goes on and although greatly missed,

 loved ones always live on in our hearts.  I love you mama.

Big Texas Hugs,

Susan and Bentley