I have not wanted to admit this to myself, but have decided that it's time
that I did. I have been depressed for the past couple of years. I keep
telling myself that it will pass and that I will be happy again, but things
have happened that I won't go into right now, that have prevented me
from making progress out of the darkness.
I spent Monday evening, all day yesterday and today crying.
Something happened that set me back once again and now I feel
that I am now farther behind in my recovery. I feel as though
whenever things start to look up, someone says or does something
that sends me right back into that dark hole.
I don't want to feel this way. I have lots of reasons to be happy, yet
I'm not rebounding as I should.
I don't want to start taking drugs. I never have and I never will. I have
been able to overcome tragedy in my life without the aid of pills and
have managed just fine. But this time it seems that circumstances appear to
be working against me and I am struggling.
I am working on it, I really am. Just be patient with me.
Love,
Susan and Bentley
Please know that you are not alone! I, too, struggle with depression (and anxiety) for several years now. I had a hard time with not wanting to take medications to help me, but after realizing how much living I was missing out on, I opted to take medication to help ease the symptoms. I have a wonderful family doctor who worked with me to help me find what would work for me. While I am not "cured" I am enjoying life again. Take care!
ReplyDeleteThank you Kay! I am glad that you found your way through the sad days.
DeleteMaybe your doctor could recommend a therapist - just someone,who can be objective, to talk to. Just having a professional help you sort through things can help immensely! Take care~
ReplyDeleteThanks for your suggestion. Yes, I have found someone objective to talk to and I am following their advice. I will post about this plan and let you know how it is working for me.
DeleteYou are not alone. I have been there myself several times in my life and am being supportive of my sister who is there now. It helps me to remember the scripture verse - 'and it came to pass.' It doesn't come to stay.
ReplyDeleteThis comment has been removed by the author.
DeleteOkay, I'm going to try this again (the last reply got messed up). Thank you for that scripture verse. I have been repeating it to myself and it is helping.
DeleteThe man upstairs does not give us more than we can handle. Hang in ...you got us
ReplyDeleteSnorts,
Lily & Edward
While your comment is well intentioned I'm sure. It's probably not very helpful. She crying out and saying she ALREADY has more than she can handle...and has for a long while now. And I would hardly think that knowing she has subscribers to her blog is going to be enough to help her get happy. This is not a 'pull yourself up by your bootstraps' sort of thing. Depression should be taken very seriously. Susan, get help and get it now. You are of value, you are loved, and you matter. There is great strength in admitting, "I need help." I hope you take the next step and find someone in your area to go and visit with about this depression. They can provide the ladder you need so that you can climb out of the dark hole. I wish you all the best.
DeleteWell, I agree with you both. Yes, it was a cry for help. I believe that facing up to problems is the first step to solving them. That being said, I someone did step in to help me and gave me suggestions I need to get back on track and stop feeling so sad. So I think you are both right and well intentioned and I thank you.
DeleteThere are several types of depression. Each requires a little bit of a different approach. Finding the correct person to identify your issues is essential. If the first advisor isn't right, move on, do not lament that "this is not going to work!" The correct approach is there. Finding that therapist is sometimes a trial and test type of approach. Do not be discouraged. In addition, I might add that short term use of an anti-depressant is a realistic way to get over that first hurtle. Please know that your followers are there to support you, not necessarily treat you, but to provide the sounding board and appreciate your creative work. Living with our issues is always a challenge. I talk to myself, I talk to my dog. I even talk to the forest surrounding me. By doing this I sort things in my head and to me that sorting out and organizing my thoughts is essential to moving on. Best wishes to you.
DeleteYou aren't alone, be good to yourself!
ReplyDeleteI am doing that now Theresa. Thanks for the pep talk.
DeleteDon't suffer Susan! Get some help. A friend of mine lost a child and when she went to the Dr. for a checkup they insisted she take meds just to get her over the hump. She took them and did indeed get over the hump. It was not a long term thing. Just a thought.
ReplyDeleteGod bless you.
Thanks Lisa. Losing a child is painful. I know that first hand. My sister-in-law lost a three year old in a tragic accident. I also have suffered through five miscarriages. The pain never really leaves and you are forever changed.
DeletePlease take care of yourself. Sometimes our brain chemistry gets messed up and a short period of medication gets the levels balanced again. It is not a sign of weakness but a physiological need. Thinking of you during this rough time.
ReplyDeleteThank you.
DeleteI am with you when it comes to drugs or medicine. I take only two pills a day and sometimes feel like giving them up. However, depression is something that requires more attention. Do not let it get out of control. Wishing you the best in day ahead.
ReplyDeleteThank you LV.
DeleteSusan go talk to your doctor. If they think you should try medication , it's not the worst case scenario. I have been on antidepressants. Mine was to handle menopause since I could not take estrogen. They also helped me control pre mature heart beats. Hugs and I hope you can find what works to help you.
ReplyDeleteI am on the path to recovery right now thanks to a close family member.
DeleteI hope you will soon find a way to be light hearted again. Is there a counselor, clergy, or BFF you can talk to? Til then, you have us. Hugs from me in California.
ReplyDeleteSomeone did step in to help me and I think that I am on the right path to recovery now. Thanks for the hug. I needed it!
DeleteOh Susan, please go and see your Doctor. If you need medication, please take it. Sometimes we just need it to get over the hump and things will even out. You are in the prime of your life, so please my dear, go see your doctor and he can help or get you someone that can.
ReplyDeletePrayers are being sent your way.
Hugs,
Mary
Thank you dear friend!
DeletePlease take care of yourself! Put yourself first for awhile. Go talk to someone who is a professional and can correctly diagnose you and treat you. Please dont delay... You are worth it and theres no sense in wasting time-- the sooner you go the sooner you will be on your way to feeling good again. We are all rooting for you! Hang in there---things will get better!
ReplyDeleteKnowing y'all are behind me makes all the difference! Thank you for your love and support. There are not adequate words to express what your kindness has meant to me.
DeleteDearest Susan- I felt the same way and for the first year after my mother died, I was in a dark, dark place. I knew I had so many things in my life, but none of it mattered. And for that year, I refused to take drugs or see my doctor. I thought I was strong and didn't need help. Guess what I was strong - but I needed help. My personal doctor put me on antidepressants and after a couple of false starts, the third one took effect. I wasn't a drugged out zombie or a different person. It just took an edge off the pain - enough so that I could start to heal. I took them for a year and then I quit because I could cope. It took me three years of grieving to get back to a relatively normal state. But I got there and you can too. Please don't refuse to seek some help because of some arbitrary standard you have imposed on yourself. You deserve a good life and something that will help you get on the path back to your real life. That doesn't make you weak - it makes you smart enough to know you do not have to tough this out alone. The loss never goes away - but the intense, overwhelming grief will dissipate with time and HELP. God Bless you - and please let someone help you. Taking a pill for short while does not define you. Lynn ps. this is anonymous because I cannot figure out how to comment otherwise, not because I am shamed by the antidepressant.
ReplyDeleteThank you,
DeleteMy dear Susan, you certainly need a doctor, you cannot avoid his help, there's a moment in which we cannot do without medicines ... Take care, sweet friend, you need patience and time for getting better, but you'll certainly succeed, you'll see !!!
ReplyDeleteSending blessings on the remainder of your weekend ahead,
with my dearest love
Dany
Thank you Daniela!
DeleteSending you hugs Susan,somethimes that's what we all need. Take care. xxx
ReplyDeleteThanks for the hug! Support from friends is the best medicine of all!!
DeleteOh, sweetie, I'm so sorry! You've been through a lot with your move and your little mother passing. Sometimes we need a doctor and maybe he could help you. Praying for you sweetness that you will receive the wisdom from God to do what you need to do.
ReplyDeleteBlessings,
Shelia ;(
Thank you for your prayers Shelia. I am praying too and I know that God always answers and always gives comfort.
DeleteOh you darling Susan...I so wish for you to be happy...if you feel you need more support to help you shake off the depression, then I so hope you reach out to a professional. You clearly are talented and precious. Hugs and blessings for your happiness.
ReplyDeleteThank you my dear Texas friend!
DeleteOf course we'll be patient. We understand. Depression snakes its way in and grabs hold. It's so hard. I hope you can talk to a therapist - someone objective, who will help you work your way through this. I feel the same way about medication, so I understand your reluctance to take any. But in the meantime, seek some help. It's okay to do that.
ReplyDeletexoxo
I know you understand only too well. Praying for your recovery too.
DeleteI'm sorry to hear how you've been feeling, Susan. You've had so much change and loss in your life the last few years...and it's so hard to deal with. Sending love your way...xo
ReplyDeleteThank you Linda.
DeleteI could have written this myself. I am going on three years now and doing it without drugs, but there are some dark days when I wonder if my refusal to take them has made things worse. Hang in there, as I am, and surely we'll both emerge victorious.
ReplyDeleteDear Pattie ~ I will pray for you. I will be writing a post this weekend about my recovery plan. I hope that what I share will be of help to you too. God bless.
DeleteLife is full of challenges and go to your blessings and God to shelter you from evil! If you couldn't walk or see or if you had cancer or wheelchair bound ! Then you would have something to be depressed about!! Look at what you have and ask God for help!!
ReplyDeleteYou are correct. I am turning to God for help.
DeleteWhile I am an advocate against drugs, there are times when a little help is necessary. Go to your doctor. I took an antidepressant a few years back for a while. It didn't make me hysterically joyous or anything like that, but it felt as if a bit of weight was lifted off my mind so I was able to think more clearly and I was able to cope better. It wasn't at all what I expected, just a lightening of spirit, removal of a cloud, not explaining it well. Think about it. Depression drags you down as you well know
ReplyDeleteYes, depression does drag one down. Thanks for your advice.
DeleteDearest Susan,
ReplyDeleteThere comes a time when we stop and realize our spouses are our life and to give our all to them is what is best. To savor every moment with them to give one another joy, for we all know life is a gift! You and David live a great life and have only one another now. So when others come in to your life and try with all their might to disrupt your happily ever after it is then time to "click delete".......do not let them bring their unhappiness near you. You are such a wonderful person and keep your chin held high to the heavens as your daddy and momma will see that sweet smile!! Do not let anyone bring you down with their unthoughtful words, thoughts or ideas. If you need to be busier maybe volunteer a bit. My mom's friend used to volunteer at the hospital one day a week for a few hours to rock sweet babies in the newborn and premie nursery. She loved it and a few hours on one day makes a difference to nursing staff. I pray you will pull out of your cloudy days. From a blog reader who loves to read your blog in NYC. ❤️Robin in NYC
Dear Minnie ~ I used to live in NYC and went to school at the New York School of Interior Design. My days in NY were some of my happiest. One of the things I love about New Yorkers is their ability to get to the point and solve a problem. You are right ~ someone has disrupted our lives and it has been a very dark cloud hanging over us. I can't allow that. Thank you Minnie. Your analysis was perfect.
DeleteSusan, I have always been a person who also thought I would never take drugs to feel better that "those people" who did just weren't trying hard enough. I realized after my dad died that I could not get out of my "hole" and would cry when I couldn't get the sheets folded. I went to my family doctor who prescribed a serotonin reuptake inhibitor and I immediately had great results. I also found that I had developed SAD so I get as much sunshine as I can. I wish you much success in your travels down this road.
ReplyDeleteI do agree that sunshine helps bring us out of sad days. Lately it has been so gray and rainy, but today is sunny and I will bask in that therapeutic sun!
DeleteSusan,
ReplyDeleteI don't know a man or woman alive that isn't suffering from some sort of depression. I too did not want to go the pill route, but about fifteen years ago my wonderful Christian doctor put me on something that just took the edge off. I had no side effects, but just realized one day that things didn't bother me like they used to. I thank God for him everyday. Life is too short. If not pills, please find a therapist to talk to. You have too much going for you to not enjoy everday.
Thank you Sharon. Yes, I someone has stepped in to help me and I believe I will beat this and be stronger for it too.
DeleteDearest Susan, I'm so read you are struggling with your days, I think at one time or another we have all been down this road.
ReplyDeleteI know firsthand that losing one's parents or close relatives as you have recently experienced, seems to set us in motion for depression, which in turn, can spiral downwards more and more.
Take time for yourself, seek help if you haven't already, summer days are just around the corner, sunshine helps.
Thinking of you, and wishing you brighter days ahead.
Hugs,
~Jo
Thank you dear Jo. Visiting your lovely blog always makes me feel like I am wrapped in a cozy quilt and makes my heart happy.
DeleteDear Susan, You just wrote my story. After a lifetime of trying to deal with this I finally broke in my early 60s and asked my dr for help. Why didn't I do this sooner? There are some things in life we really need help with and this is one. You've spent time trying on your own and now you deserve a break. Medication is not evil. Talk with your dr, explain your concerns about meds and trust her (or him) to help you. I really hope you think hard about this....it's for you and your hubby.
ReplyDeleteThank you Chris. I am glad that you are better now.
DeleteI am so sorry you are dealing with whatever is making you feel this way. Sending Love and Hugs your way. Please take care of yourself....
ReplyDeleteThank you Bonnie!
DeleteSusan, I am so very sorry for your pain! Depression saps all your strength! Sending love, prayers, and hugs! Pam @ Everyday Living
ReplyDeleteYou are right Pam. It does sap ones strength. Thank you for your kind wishes and prayers.
DeleteSusan, I feel for you. Long ago I went thru a divorce and my little dog was my best friend through it. A year later, she died. My heart truly broke at that point. It was slow, but I recovered. I found that books helped me, then and now. When I'm going through a problem, somehow a book will appear that helps me see the situation clearly. Don't laugh, it's true. Yesterday, I started reading The Bee Cottage. I bought it 2 months ago, but just got to it. It answered a lot of reasons why I was struggling so much with the house we bought 5 years ago. The simple thing is (she said) if a house or person isn't right for you, no matter what you do to change it (or them), they still won't be right. I can see clearly now and my spirits lifted when I knew for sure we need to sell our house. I'm not saying everything is that simple, it's just that if you're struggling books may provide insight some times in a very odd way.
ReplyDeleteThis too is a wonderful suggestions. I will look for that book. It's so true, that when something is not right, there is not much one can do to make it better. Thank you so much. I am a book lover too.
DeleteSusan . . . I, too, battle with depression. I found that therapy helped a great deal, but depression was simply a part of my "brain chemistry". I see how depression impacted my mother, my sister and one niece. I resisted anti-depressants for years and when I became menopausal, I began to have panic attacks . . . something I had not experienced before. That did it!!!! For my sake and for the sake of my husband, I began taking anti-depressants. They eliminated the panic attacks completely and, although I still "experience" depression, it no longer lingers but instead, it is a more-quickly passing feeling that is appropriate to the experience I am having. I would have to say, Susan, I have come to believe that medication helps me to have more "normal" reaction to everyday life. I am fortunate that I can maintain well on a fairly mild dosage and that I haven't had to change medications over the years. I've so enjoyed your blog over the years and I know you to be a brilliant, artistic and talented woman. I would encourage you to TRY medication for a year or so to see if it will help you to be the very "best you that you can be". Love and prayers from your friend, Marcia.
ReplyDeleteSusan, sending you a virtual hug and saying that I understand. I took a mild antidepressant for a short period of time years ago after my divorce and it helped to lift the "fog". Had another bad experience when I started going through menopause. I hope you can find someone or something to help you cope. xo
ReplyDeleteThank you Donna. Someone did step in to help and I am so appreciative.
DeleteAs most have said here, get some medical advice. Taking a mild anti depressant is not the end all. If its a chemical imbalance, like you needing serotonin, it just makes sense to take care of it. If you had a broken arm, you'd get a cast. There's no judgement, its just what you might need. I personally take quite a few medications for my cancer diagnosis, and when I need anti anxiety pills , I take them. you do what you gotta do. Best to you in this journey.
ReplyDeleteThank you Christina.
DeleteDear Susan I am so sorry you have been feeling so bad and I do hope you will seek help. Lots of people are helped by short term anti depressants and there is nothing wrong with taking them if your doctor advises it. Sending you lots of love and a big hug from across the pond. X
ReplyDeleteHelen xox
Thank you Helen!
DeleteOh dear Susan - if your arm hurt or if your eye pained you I am sure that you would accept help. It isn't always a case of taking medication - though it can help to put you back where you can start to feel like yourself again and begin to work at healing. A good counselor is a blessing too - someone who doesn't love you like family members do, and to whom you can talk about the difficult things you've coped with in the past year or so. Sending my very best wishes to you, and a big hug.
ReplyDeleteI have received help from my dearest friend and a close family member too. They are helping me get past this and I am so thankful for their help. All of the kind words and messages that everyone has sent is helping me as well and I am forever grateful for the support.
DeleteI'm so sorry you are feeling down, Susan - and like you, I hate having to take drugs. Perhaps some St. John's wort would help? And extra vitamin b12? Wishing you sunshine in your life very soon - hugs from NY - xo
ReplyDeleteThank you dear friend. I will try the b12. My Aunt was a firm believer in it's healing ability.
DeleteWe have all gone through periods of depression. Some of us more severe or for longer periods. Praying that is will pass quickly for you. You bring so much sunshine into our lives and you deserve to bask in your own sunshine. Sending prayers, compassion and understanding your way. And a very big hug!
ReplyDeleteThank you Jill. I so appreciate your kind words and prayers.
DeleteI am glad that you found something to help you. Yes, life is too short to suffer.
ReplyDeleteIt may be that the nearing of Mother's Day is compounding your sorrow, with the loss of your Mother and Aunt and the loss of your babies. I know it's a difficult time for me, too. Be gentle with yourself. It helped me to go for a walk every morning, early when I could be alone and not have to chat with neighbors. Blessing are asked for on your behalf. Barbara in Mn
ReplyDeleteThat's a good idea. I love the early morning hours when everything is fresh and still. A very healing time. I will think of you when I am walking. God bless.
DeleteOh, I'm so sorry that you are battling this. It is a battle. I pray that a treatment plan will work. I'm thankful you have had someone step in and help.
ReplyDeleteI was where you are a few months ago. Depression, tears and anxiety. I went to the Dr. He put me on something and it turned me into a ZOMBIE. After three days of feeling nothing, I was able to snap out of it a little. I'm not saying that is what you should do but it's a way of saying I understand the reluctance to get on meds. There are so many out there, maybe they can find one that will take the edge off.
Sending a hug and prayers your way.
You are absolutely NOT alone <3 Dealing with depression..and trying to fight it without medication..is super tough. I have struggled for years, and always found it easy to *pop* a pill..but this time...I don't want to take anymore medication. I don't want to be dulled down - The happy moods are so rare anyway! I don't want them to be just OK moods. I don't want to have withdrawals for months.. I just want to feel JOY again! I know it's there...
ReplyDeleteSo...while your sitting there, wondering why, why your sad, even though everything seems perfect, the world is beautiful..and we just don't feel it...know that you're not alone <3 So glad I found your page. Also so glad you're brave enough to share your struggle. We need more sharing about depression.
Just to add ... I've struggled since I was about 20 - and I'm now 46. I've been studying up on meditation. Hoping it helps!! - Looking at that old bottle of Cymbalta..and I just don't want to go there..and you know what..I get to choose. So I'll keep doing what's best for me..and you do what's best for you. We WILL get through this tunnel!!
ReplyDeleteI am bold enough among many others to state that there is now a potent cure to this sickness but many are unaware of it. I discovered that I was infected with the virus 3 months ago, after a medical check-up. My doctor told me and I was shocked, confused and felt like my world has crumbled. I was dying slowly due to the announcement of my medical practitioner but he assured me that I could leave a normal life if I took my medications (as there was no medically known cure to Herpes). I went from churches to churches but soon found that my case needed urgent attention as I was growing lean due to fear of dying anytime soon. In a bid to look for a lasting solution to my predicament, I sought for solutions from the herbal world. I went online and searched for every powerful trado-medical practitioner that I could severe, cos I heard that the African Herbs had a cure to the Herpes syndrome. It was after a little time searching the web that I came across one Dr Itua(A powerful African Herbal Doctor), who offered to help me at a monetary fee. I had to comply as this was my final bus-stop to receiving a perfect healing. My last resolve was to take my life by myself, should this plan fail. At last it worked out well. He gave me some steps to follow and I meticulously carried out all his instructions. Last month, to be precise, I went back to the hospital to conduct another test and to my amazement, the results showed that negative,Dr Itua Can As Well Cure The Following Desease…Cancer,Hiv,Herpes,Shingles, Hepatitis B,Liver Inflammatory,Diabetis,Fribroid,Parkinson's,Alzheimer’s disease,Bechet’s disease,Crohn’s disease,Cushing’s disease,Heart failure,Multiple Sclerosis,HypertensionFatal Familial Insomnia Factor V Leiden Mutation ,Epilepsy Dupuytren's disease,Desmoplastic small-round-cell tumor Diabetes ,Coeliac disease,Creutzfeldt–Jakob disease,Cerebral Amyloid Angiopathy, Ataxia,Arthritis,Amyotrophic Lateral Scoliosis,Autism,Fibromyalgia,Fluoroquinolone ToxicitySyndrome Fibrodysplasia Ossificans ProgresSclerosis,Seizures,Adrenocortical carcinoma.Asthma,Allergic diseases,,Copd,Glaucoma., Cataracts,Macular degeneration,Cardiovascular disease,Lung disease.Enlarged prostate,Osteoporosis.
ReplyDeleteDementia.,Lyme Disease,,Non Hodgkin Lymphoma,Skin Cancer,Uterine Cancer,Prostate Cancer Dercum,Lupus,Hpv,Weak Erection,Infertility,fibromyalgia,Chronic Diarrhea,Get Your Ex Back,Als,SYPHILLIS,Colo-Rectal Cancer,Blood Cancer,Breast CANCER,Lung Cancer,Prostate Cancer,Autism,Brain Cancer,Genetic disease,Epilepsy, Parkinson's disease..You can free yourself of this Herpes virus by consulting this great African Herbal Doctor via this e-mail: drituaherbalcenter@gmail.com / . or call and whatsapp him on +2348149277967 He will help you and his herb medication is sure. he has the cure on all disease .You can talk to me on INSTAGRAM..tashamoore219.