I want to thank each and every one of you who shared your concerns and offered
advice as to how to overcome my depression. Your compassion touched my
heart and was the first step on my path to recovery.
I was very fortunate to receive some help from someone I respect and am
following his advice to chase away the dark clouds that have been
hanging around recently.
The steps I am taking are simple ones that will give me a sense of control
over my situation. This person helped me to see that there are areas of my
life that I can control and that is where my focus needs to be now.
One of the ways I will accomplish this is through daily exercise to release
the positive endorphins I need to start the healing process. I have always
been good about getting enough physical activity in the past, but have
allowed that effort to slip in recent months.
Because there was a specific event that started my downward spiral, it
will be necessary for me to limit my exposure to those who are negative
and hurtful. I won't go into who it was or what happened, but it was
significant enough to cause heartache and leave me feeling very
vulnerable.
Years ago while I was in college, I minored in psychology and one
of the courses required for that minor was Abnormal Psych. One of
the sections of that course focused on antisocial and narcissistic personalities
and how their need for control and their actions can hurt others. We
spent one classroom period watching the movie The Bad Seed. If you have
never seen it, you will find it quite memorable. It's about a pretty and
very charming little girl who wanted to win a spelling contest at her
school. She especially wanted to win the medal this contest awarded.
But another little boy in her class won the prize, so she took matters into
her own hands and drown him at the school picnic. She tried to get the
medal, but could not get it away from him before he died.
No one saw Rhoda cause his death and no one would ever suspect
her involvement because she was such a pretty little girl, a good little
girl, yet she would stop at nothing to get what she wanted, not even
murder. Eventually her mother discovers the truth about her precious
daughter and tries to take her own life and the life of her child. She
does not succeed. I believe, in the original play, Rhoda and her mother
live on, but in Hollywood fashion, while her mother lies in the hospital,
Rhoda sneaks out of the house during a thunderstorm and heads to
the lake where she drowned the little boy. She goes out to the end of
the pier with her flashlight in attempts to see the medal in the water.
She is struck by lightning and the movie is over.
Not all narcissists are like Rhoda. What they do have in common with
Rhoda is that they just don't care. No, in all likelihood they will not be
struck by lightning and will often breeze through life untouched, yet they
are still capable of causing heartache for others. They can't be cured.
They want what they want, and don't care if someone gets hurt in the
process of getting what they want.
Sometimes when a situation is too close, it takes someone else to help
put things into perspective. I had to step back from the canvas a bit to
see what was going on and to view things in a different light.
I can't control what others do or say. I can, however, control my
reaction to what is said or done. Here's a little Texas analogy for
you ~ there are often rattlesnakes in the fields of beautiful Blue Bonnets
in the spring. We know they are there, it's part of nature. We just
recognize their existence and don't get close enough for them to
strike, because they will strike if we get too close. That's a guarantee.
So for now, I will exercise, take care of my little family, concentrate on
my work and push the clouds out of my mind. I will focus on the good
things in my life, and work to help others to do the same. Nothing is quite
so therapeutic as aiding others.
I know that many of you suggested I get a prescription to get me over
this hurdle. I think that there are times when that can be necessary and
don't criticize the use of drugs to help in many cases. I just didn't want to
go that route first. Years ago I lost everything I owned when my townhouse
was struck by lightning and burned to the ground. A couple of weeks
later my brand new Camaro was stolen from a parking lot. I felt so
defeated that I could hardly breathe, yet breathe I did and I just
kept putting one foot in front of the other and I moved on. That's
just me. I may be a petite little person, but I have a lot of grit. I
am leaning on that grit and blowing away the clouds and looking for
the sun. You are a big reason why I need to keep my chin up and
I love all of you for being here for me when I needed a friend.
God bless you all.
Big Texas Hugs,
Susan and Bentley
This post is dedicated to my dear cousin who cared enough
to help me see the light.
