Wednesday, September 21, 2016

It's Hard to be a Childless Couple



Being a childless couple is not easy because most couples have
children.  As many of you already know, being childless was never
a choice for us, it has just been a heartache.  I never imagined
not having children after I married, but it's a reality I have had
to learn to accept.

But the fact is, the heartache of being childless never really leaves.
When we meet new couples, it's one of the first questions we are
asked.  When you tell them you do not have children, many look
at you as if you are some kind of a freak.

Sometimes people ask why, and that is awkward too.  I cannot
begin to count the number of times when I have said that we
were just not able to have any.  Most often people will let it go
at that, but there are some who will keep pressing to know all
the details.


One evening a woman who asked me why we didn't have children and
when I told her it wasn't our choice, but we were unable, she just kept
asking why we could not and why didn't we adopt and every time I 
thought I had sufficiently responded to her question, she just refused to
let the conversation drop.  I was so uncomfortable at that point I was
near tears and wanted so badly to leave so that I would not embarrass
myself.

I think it's harder for a woman to be childless than it is for a man.
When couples gather, the men will often discuss politics or golf
or their jobs.  The women talk about the kids.  I understand that.
If we had children, I would discuss them too, but when I am with
a group of women who are discussing their kids, I have nothing to
contribute and I lose interest in being with them.


The situation never changes because even after the kids have grown up
and marry, the parents then begin to discuss the grand kids.

We know one couple in town who are closest to our situation.  The
husband had a previous marriage and a child from that marriage,
but he and his current wife have none.  Whenever we are at a party
and this couple is present,  I tend to gravitate to them.  It's just easier.

Every once in a while I meet a childless couple who have made
the conscious choice to not have any kids.  We knew one such
couple back in Idaho and it was so much easier to do things with
them and the wife and I always had so much conversation to share.

I am not telling you this in hopes that you will feel sorry for me.
It is just my intention to say that if you meet or know a childless
couple, please be easy on them.  Try to understand that women
like me have spent many hours in private in tears and sorrow.
Our nests will be forever empty, but we still desire to have
friends.

Big Texas Hugs,
Susan and Bentley

31 comments:

  1. Susan, my husband and I don't have children by choice. We are in our mid-forties and have found it difficult to find fellow couples without children. I understand completely. Luckily, we have two unmarried friends who don't have children so that is a blessing. I have found it quite common that when people ask and I tell me we are childless, a small percentage have said, "You are so lucky." I know we don't "fit in" with the "norm" but I am very grateful that we have each other and take full advantage of our own interests. Sometimes if people push, I just say, "We're too selfish for kids" and that shuts them down every time. It is no ones business. I'd love to reverse the conversation and ask why they had kids, but that is inappropriate and I would never do that. LOL But the thought has definitely crossed my mind! I am also very grateful that we don't have children because as I nurse I witness parents' heartaches with disabled or ill children. And there are always those "adult" kids who won't leave the nest or cause exceedingly difficult issues with bad choices. It probably sounds like I'm trying to justify not having kids. But at the end of the day, it boils down to being no one's business except my husband and mine's.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I commend you for your decision not to have kids. Children are a privilege, not a right. I have seen too many who have children who are either unprepared or never care to be good parents. When that happens, it's the child who suffers. No, it's not the norm to be childless, but it is either a conscious decision such as yours, or an unavoidable situation such as mine. It does not diminish the worth of either of us. And yes, I agree with you ~ it's no one else's business. Thanks for stopping by Michelle.

      Delete
  2. I have friends who are childless. I never ask, it's none of my business. I also try to keep my conversation about my kids or grandkids to a minimum because I don't know the situation and don't want to make anyone feel bad. Life has many facets, children are but one of them. I'm sorry that you've had to encounter such rude and clueless people. I had my share of them when I had cancer. It was shocking to me the things they would ask.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I am so sorry that you had to endure prying questions while you had cancer. I truly do not understand such insensitivity and would love to have a magic wand to make it stop. Love and hugs to you Pattie.

      Delete
  3. Awwww, sweet sister. My heart goes out to you! God has his plan for you and David, but sometimes it is hard to swallow. My dear friend Susan has no children.(My Sam's buddy) It is ok for her, as she has never married, but I understand the want to have a child, with the man you love. Keep your pretty chin up! Love you...
    Me

    ReplyDelete
  4. Susan, you are a sweetie, and your words are good to heed. It is more common today for people to not have children, including my sister and my 3 best friends from high school. People should not push you so much to reveal your personal situation. What ever happened to tact and good manners!

    ReplyDelete
  5. I understand how uncomfortable you must be. I haven't been in your shoes so I don't know how it feels. I have friends and cousins without children. I'm sorry, I really am. I will be careful in my words. I remember asking someone about their children and not knowing what to say when they said they didn't have any.
    I know that your love for Bentley is a mother's love. Thank you for sharing.

    ReplyDelete
  6. I have been in your shoes and I know the heartache. But after many miscarriages we brought one child to the planet. I have never forgotten the leading questions and the feeling of despair. Love is love and you do not need to be a mother to exhibit that. You are who you are Susan and that is just dandy for your husband. <3

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I am glad that after many failed attempts you were able to have a child.

      Delete
  7. Susan, I am truly sorry. Funny, MY life was quite different - I had a baby at 19! And another at 23, and became a single parent at 26.....and raised them alone. It was so difficult, but it was the cards I was dealt with.

    Now my eldest - my first daughter - is 36 and she and her husband choose not to have children. They don't even want to try. They are educated urbanites who travel the world, have a dog, love their lives. My youngest daughter just gave me my first grandchild. My eldest LOVES her little wee newborn niece but STILL doesn't want children. She gets asked ALL the time, and when she says something similar to your response, she/they, too, get either a weird look or a rude bombardment of details. She says she hates it.

    My very best girlfriend for life tried for 25 years to have a baby and couldn't. She cried almost every time she even thought of it. People asked her all the time, too why they didn't adopt. She tried THREE times for adoption and all three times the birth mother changed her mind at the last minute. I thought she'd never get over it, it broke her heart - their hearts.......but back in early spring, at the age of 50 - they were granted an adoption. And NOW she gets asked how old her grandchild is. She knows she is old for it, but it is a dream come true for her. People are so judgemental. I wish people would just look into the eyes of these ladies to see the reaction they for the most part MISS. Again, I am sorry you hurt. I know your pup is your fur baby, as is my daughter's. I pray for peace for you in your heart of hearts. Hugs. ♥

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. We did not try the adoption route because I had several friends who did. Two of them had to return the babies because the birth mothers changed their minds. It was heartbreaking for them. Another woman and her husband tried to adopt a daughter from China. After years of paperwork and travel back and forth trying to adopt, they were finally successful, but their success was largely due to her husband being an attorney and he had the backing he needed as well as the financial support.

      Delete
  8. Thanks to your post and your vulnerability here I will be more sensitive to others who may be childless for whatever their reasons. Thank you

    ReplyDelete
  9. Wouldn't it be wonderful if we could actually arrive at a point in society when not being the "norm" (but being within the law could be quickly accepted??? I'm not the "norm" in some ways and a person truly does get tired of the "group think" and of defending ones choices or beliefs. Sigh.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. It is sad that we live in a world where we must defend personal choices or situations that have been thrust upon us.

      Delete
  10. Thank you for sharing, Susan. People can be thoughtless. I can't believe that woman pressed you like that. We have three grown children who do not have spouses or children. Most of our friends have grandchildren and talk about them a lot. They ask why our kids aren't married. I can't give them an answer for that. I kind of tune them out when they talk about their grands.
    I'd love to hang out with you guys. We could talk about blogging! It is so hard to find friends with which you have stuff in common.

    ReplyDelete
  11. Susan, you owe no one the details. Kids are a blessing, but there are so many other blessings in life to focus on as well ♥

    summerdaisycottage.blogspot.com

    ReplyDelete
  12. We have 2 children, but no grandchildren. I can't begin to tell you how many people ask US why they don't have kids. I vowed, when they got married, to NEVER EVER ask, push, probe about choices they made in their marriage. That includes kids. I have stopped doing lunches/ dinners with a couple of different groups of friends because all they talk about when we are together are their grands. It isn't that I am envious or sad about it, I simply don't have anything to add to the conversation. I doubt if the group misses my being there at all since I would have nothing to contribute. When I see the same friends one-on-one, I can listen for a while, and I enjoy hearing their stories, but it isn't the only thing we talk about. When it is 5:1, then the grand-talk is constant. My husband notices it much more when we are with couples, but when he is just with a group of guys he says it seldom is much of a topic at all.

    I think if each of your readers becomes more sensitive to this topic, and we mention it to 5 people, who mention it to 5 people, and so on and so on..... maybe there will be a few less thoughtless comments made as time goes on. Usually, however, the people who seem to say those things seldom "get" the message. ♡

    ReplyDelete
  13. Susan, I so understand your situation. We were childless for 13 years and the questions we were asked were often ridiculous. Blessings, Pam @ Everyday Living

    ReplyDelete
  14. I agree its none of their business, this is something so personal, between husband and wife. My sister is also childless, and I know that it hurts her, it hurts me for her. People can be so rude. I have witnessed it.

    ReplyDelete
  15. Susan, so sorry for all the hurt and prying questions. Our middle son and wife who live in Houston chose not to have children and their lives are actually very full. He is an artist and she works in the government. I never judged them for their decision, it's theirs to make. They both come from large families as I had four sons (two are twins). My sister who lives in Katy Texas took care of our mom until she passed away and she then dated and married. Early in her marriage they tried to have a child but it never came about even with all the hormone treatments she took. Sometimes there is another plan unknown to us. She has filled her life as a pet foster/rescue mom and loves those animals like they are babies. She takes in the ones who have the worst problems and the old ones no one else wants. So maybe that was the unknown plan. She works and does the Houston rodeo organization circuit. Her life is full but I'm sure at times she still hurts. Whether it is choice or circumstance it is a private issue and I hope people will start to think twice before prying so deeply. You are a real blessing for Bentley and I'm sure he loves you very much. Hugs to you !

    ReplyDelete
  16. Hi Susan, I have been reading your blog for a long time now and wanted to offer you some hope in the adoption process if you are interested. My daughter and her husband adopted a baby boy from S. Korea quite easily. They went through an adoption agency and there was absolutely no problems adopting our adorable grandson from an orphanage there. There are many children there that need good homes. Also an old friend of mine adopted three kids from China from an orphanage there easily as well. They also went through an adoption agency. It does take a few months for all the paperwork and a home study to be done, but well worth it in the end! If I were you and really wanted your own child I wouldn't give up the idea of adopting. There are also many kids here that are in the foster system that desperately need a good home. Their parents have given up their rights to them so no worry about them changing their minds. The same with a foreign adoption, the parents have already given up their rights permanently. Susan, you are a kind loving woman along with your husband that could give a child a wonderful home. Being childless is great for those that want to be, but I know you want a child of your own. Please start exploring legitimate adoption agencies. I think in the end adopting a child would bring both you and your husband much happiness! I can send you the name of the adoption agency that specialized in foreign adoptions that my daughter and her husband went through if you are interested.... Our little S. Korean born grandson is the light of our lives!

    ReplyDelete
  17. I am sorry that you are having a hard time is social events finding someone to feel comfortable with. It always makes me sad when people can't seem to realize that some people have various reasons for not having children and it is a private issue between the two of them. I hope that you find a group of people who mind their own business that you can be comfortable with.

    ReplyDelete
  18. I want to thank Dr.Agbazara for his job in my family, this is man who left me and the kids for another woman without any good reasons, i was pain and confuse,till one day when i saw Dr.Agbazara contact, then i contacted him and he help me cast a reunion spell that help my situation with 48hours, since I then the situation has changed, everything is moving well, my husband who left me is now back to his family. reach DR.AGBAZARA TEMPLE via email if you have any problem at:
    ( agbazara@gmail.com )
    OR whatsapp or call him on +2348104102662

    ReplyDelete

Bentley and I LOVE and read every comment.

LinkWithin

Related Posts with Thumbnails

LinkWithin

Related Posts Plugin for WordPress, Blogger...