I am taking the rest of the week off because Mother's Day is
this coming Sunday. For years it has been a difficult and a
sorrowful day for me because I am childless and not by
choice. While my own Mom was still alive, I would hide
my tears each Mother's Day and make sure that the day was
special for her. Now that she is gone, I do what I can to
shield myself from the onslaught of ads everywhere. I can
hide from the world for a week while all the reminders and
gift suggestions and brunch reservations are flooding the
airways.
I'll stay away from blogging because I know that everyone will be
talking about their kids and Mother's Day tablescapes and gift ideas.
I am not a mom, so I just want to disappear until the day passes.
It's not that I have not wanted to be a mom. I did want to be
a mother. It is my greatest regret and my biggest heartache.
There was always the hope of a successful pregnancy, yet there was the
repeated disappointment and heartache that follows the loss. I would
always wonder why me? What had I done wrong? What could I have
done differently? I had advice from everyone. At one point I even consulted
a Cherokee Medicine Woman. I would have done anything.
Friends would encourage me. I made one last effort. It really looked
promising this time. I was cautious and careful while doing my best to
remain optimistic yet one Sunday afternoon the familiar pains began and
I knew ….it was over.
I was worn down by the whole thing. I couldn't try anymore. I didn't have
the emotional or physical strength to endure another pregnancy. I would
never give birth. It was my new reality and it left a gaping hole in my heart.
Over the years I have suffered through some very painful words from others
regarding my childless condition. Many were unintentional but sadly some
were not.
I have learned that there are some people in life who derive real pleasure
from another's pain. There is no way of dealing with someone like this.
They are best avoided.
Do I regret not adopting? Yes, sometimes I do. I did consider it. Looking back
I think I was too fragile to make an attempt at adopting. It didn't help that a
friend of mine had adopted and after bonding with the baby girl had to return
her to the birth mother because that young woman had decided she had made
a mistake and wanted her baby back. My friend was crushed.
I had friends who were going to China in hopes of adopting. A long
and arduous process that was not always successful. But for this one
couple, after many failed attempts and at great expense, a darling little
baby was finally granted to them and they made the long trip to
China to bring their new child home. I was happy for them.
My very dear childhood friend divorced after an unhappy marriage. She
had always imagined herself being a mother yet knew it was not going to
happen in the conventional manner. She explored adoption and decided
that her best opportunity was to adopt a child from Russia. She made it
through all the paperwork and flew over to Russia to bring home her
little girl. Daria is now in high school. I am planning on seeing the two
of them this summer.
Yet somehow, adoption just never seemed right for us. And
perhaps I did not have the emotional stamina to go through it all.
Eventually I accepted that I would never be a mom. I turned my love
for kids in a new direction. I trained to become a children's story teller.
I went out to neighborhood schools and entertained the kids with
stories and games. I mentored kids in need. I illustrated stories for our
local library. All of this helped to soothe my broken soul.
And of course there is my dear little Bentley. He is the one
I nurture now.
For all of you who are moms I wish you a happy day this coming
Sunday. Cherish your children and enjoy each moment and every
memory. I envy you.
As for me ~ I will disappear into my own little world for this
next week. It's easier for me this way. See you later.
Big Texas Hugs,
Susan and Bentley
