For the past couple of months, I have been very restless and nothing I
did seemed to fulfill me. Back in September, I went home to Chicago and
saw old friends and my dear cousins. Following that trip, I was so happy
and elated about going home once again and spending time with those
I love. It was great, and then the reality of my present life came back
to me.
Please don't get me wrong. My present life is wonderful. I have a
great husband who is everything to me. I have adorable Bentley.
Bentley is my brave little soldier who finds his way every day despite
his blindness, and still brings me bottomless joy. The problem is
with me and a feeling of emptiness that is unexplainable. I have
been feeling emotionally restless, and physically restless too. My
usual energy seemed to be diminishing. I started feeling achy all the
time and tired too. Little things would put me on edge and I felt
like nothing seemed to please me, not really anyway. Oh, I can
put up a great front when necessary, but it's not heartfelt and is
just a cover up.
One day I was standing in line at Hobby Lobby. A book caught my
eye. I remembered hearing about it from a YouTube channel I
follow. I grabbed the book and put it in my basket without even
looking at it. When I returned home and unpacked my bag, I
thought to myself ... now what did you buy that for?
I am and have always been, a Christian. I pray for myself and
for others. What I didn't do was to spend time with Jesus. I
didn't take the time to talk to him and to then listen.
I started reading this book each morning during December.
I started to reflect upon the words on the page, and little by
little, changes started to surface. This morning, after my
reading and meditation period, I began to realize what has been
wrong lately and why I was feeling so empty.
I love this blog. It has brought me so much enjoyment and a
chance to connect with such wonderful folks I would have
otherwise never known. It has sparked my creativity and
encouraged me to try new things. These are good things, yet
recently I have noticed that I have not been loving this blog
as I once did. Yes, I have been to this point before and I
thought that perhaps just tweaking things a bit here and there
would generate more enthusiasm. It did for a while, and then
I would once again loose interest.
I am not a magazine. I am not a decorating guru. I
will never be satisfied by just trying to keep up the
traffic by giving you what you want to see. There is more
to me than the superficial.
What I have learned by listening over these past few
weeks is that I have a message and I won't be satisfied
until that message is shared. Here is what I will tell you,
I have been tossing around ideas for a book for a long time.
I knew the subject for this book, but not how to get the
raw emotions down on the page. I went back and forth
in my mind and struggled with the whole concept. Today
I realized what I need to do, and how I need to do it. I
cannot begin to tell you how relieved I feel. I have a
mission. It's my own personal one and not something
dictated by pop culture.
While I write my novel, I will still be writing this blog.
What will change, is that Ash Tree Cottage will become
like a stream that meanders and takes us different places,
and will be a bit unpredictable.
Thanks for listening to me babble.
Big Texas Hugs,
Susan and Bentley