Some Serious Soul Searching

For the past couple of months, I have been very restless and nothing I

did seemed to fulfill me.  Back in September, I went home to Chicago and

saw old friends and my dear cousins.  Following that trip, I was so happy

and elated about going home once again and spending time with those

I love.  It was great, and then the reality of my present life came back

to me.

Please don't get me wrong.  My present life is wonderful.  I have a

great husband who is everything to me.  I have adorable Bentley.

Bentley is my brave little soldier who finds his way every day despite

his blindness, and still brings me bottomless joy.  The problem is

with me and a feeling of emptiness that is unexplainable.  I have

been feeling emotionally restless, and physically restless too.  My

usual energy seemed to be diminishing.  I started feeling achy all the

time and tired too.  Little things would put me on edge and I felt

like nothing seemed to please me, not really anyway.  Oh, I can

put up a great front when necessary, but it's not heartfelt and is

just a cover up.

One day I was standing in line at Hobby Lobby.  A book caught my

eye.  I remembered hearing about it from a YouTube channel I

follow.  I grabbed the book and put it in my basket without even

looking at it.  When I returned home and unpacked my bag, I

thought to myself ... now what did you buy that for?

I am and have always been, a Christian.  I pray for myself and

for others.  What I didn't do was to spend time with Jesus.  I 

didn't take the time to talk to him and to then listen.  

I started reading this book each morning during December.  

I started to reflect upon the words on the page, and little by

little, changes started to surface.  This morning, after my

reading and meditation period, I began to realize what has been

wrong lately and why I was feeling so empty.  

I love this blog.  It has brought me so much enjoyment and a

chance to connect with such wonderful folks I would have

otherwise never known.  It has sparked my creativity and 

encouraged me to try new things.  These are good things, yet

recently I have noticed that I have not been loving this blog

as I once did.  Yes, I have been to this point before and I 

thought that perhaps just tweaking things a bit here and there

would generate more enthusiasm.  It did for a while, and then

I would once again loose interest.

I am not a magazine.  I am not a decorating guru.  I

will never be satisfied by just trying to keep up the 

traffic by giving you what you want to see.  There is more

to me than the superficial.  

What I have learned by listening over these past few 

weeks is that I have a message and I won't be satisfied 

until that message is shared.  Here is what I will tell you,

I have been tossing around ideas for a book for a long time.

I knew the subject for this book, but not how to get the

raw emotions down on the page.  I went back and forth

in my mind and struggled with the whole concept.  Today

I realized what I need to do, and how I need to do it.  I

cannot begin to tell you how relieved I feel.  I have a

mission.  It's my own personal one and not something

dictated by pop culture.  

While I write my novel, I will still be writing this blog.

What will change, is that Ash Tree Cottage will become

like a stream that meanders and takes us different places,

and will be a bit unpredictable.  

Thanks for listening to me babble.

Big Texas Hugs,

Susan and Bentley