The Exhaustion of Grief

I can't remember when I have been so thoroughly exhausted.  For the last two

days I felt as though each move was almost impossible.  The tiniest of chores

sends me back to bed.  I don't remember feeling this way when my Daddy died.

I was so occupied looking after my newly widowed Mom that I did not have

time to grieve.  It has been as though I am grieving the loss of both of them

now at the same time.  

Early each morning David heads off to the gym before work.  The house

is dark and empty.  I wander into the kitchen, let Bentley out and make a

cup of tea.  Thank goodness for the instant hot tap because I have not had

the energy to heat up a kettle on the stove.  It takes me a couple of hours

to unload the dishwasher because I have to do it in stages.  First the plates,

and then sit down on the stool at the counter.  Then the flatware, another

break and on and on.  Who would think such a simple task could take such

effort.  

Normally I look forward to my workouts every day.  I pop in a Pilates

dvd and enjoy every moment.  I am trying to keep up the workouts

because it's good for me, but my heart is just not into it.  I break it up into

15 minute segments to simplify it, but it's still such an effort.  This 

morning I did some Tai Chi.  That was a bit easier for me.  I keep 

wondering what has happened.  Normally I am like a racehorse.  Give

me a bowl of oats and I am ready to run.  Now I am dragging.  

I found a few things of Mom's to add to her room.  A couple of

things I want to paint and fix up.  I would like to get busy with that

and show you pictures, but I just don't have the energy to do it.  It's as

though I have the flu without the virus and without the temperature.

My  headache has lasted for two days and I very rarely ever have one.

My shoulders and neck ache.  David suggested I go have a massage

but I am too tired to hop in the shower, get dressed and go over to the

spa which is really close by.  Too much effort.

Yesterday I spent most of the day in my jammies looking at old

photograph albums.  One album I had not seen for years.  It contains

pictures of my Daddy when he was a little boy.  Grandma and 

Grandpa at the little summer cabin on Lake Erie.  Daddy with his

little sister Ruth.  Daddy with his favorite Uncle John.  Grandma and

her sister Twila (who looks like me).  I always wondered where I got

my nose.  My nose is upturned.  Daddy's was straight and fine.  Mom's 

was too.  I got a "little girl" type nose.  From who ~ from Great Aunt

Twila that's who.  Daddy's family loved to have fun.  Picnics, antics

always laughing and smiling with lots of family.  Grandma's brothers

all so blond and Swedish looking.  My Grandpa came from a family of

five brothers and they were all fun loving.  They all lead such happy and

family oriented lives.  Knowing this gives me some peace.

The day before my Mom died, my Aunt Susan slipped and fell in her

bathroom and broke her hip.  I have been worried about her.  She came

through the surgery just fine but is hard to have much of a 

conversation with her because she is a bit loopy from the pain meds.

Sometimes things just seem to happen all at once. 

Well, I am getting tired again.  It is time for me to take a nap.

Now that I have Mom's ashes back and the copies of the death

certificates, I will have so much paperwork to do and so many

phone calls to make.  I will only be able to accomplish a small

bit at a time.  The process of grief is exhausting.

Big Texas Hugs,

Susan and Bentley