Facing My Fears

I am quite brave when it comes to doing things that make others

afraid.  I have always been able to stand up in front of a room

full of people and give a speech or whatever without any fear.

I am not afraid of spiders.

I have driven a car in many foreign countries on both the

right and left side of the road without fear.

Once when I was charged by two big Rottweilers who 

escaped from a fenced yard I stood my ground and called 

to them saying "hi puppies" with a lilt in my voice and in

such a loving way that they stopped dead in their tracks.

They looked at each other and then at me as if they were

thinking "do we know this person"?  Then they came

over and sniffed me.  I wasn't afraid.

However ....

When the skies darken and I can hear a rumbling in the distance, 

I start to get nervous.  A thunderstorm is on it's way and I get

scared.  The first flash of lightning makes me panic.  

Years ago my nickname was Flash.  I was given that name

by co-workers after my townhouse was hit by lightning and

burned to the ground.  It wasn't my first experience with the

force of nature because two years before the fire, the house I

was living in at the time was struck by lightning while I was home.

The point of this is not about the past, but how the past has

effected my present.  When the rumbling starts and I can see

the flashes of light I panic.  I feel like my heart is going to

jump out of my chest.

Living in South Texas makes this difficult because the storms are

nearly daily in the spring.  There is just no escaping them.  Big bolts of

lightning and deafening crashes of thunder fill the hours in the middle of

the night and early evening.  Sometimes in the morning just before

sunrise too.  

It's hard not to see the lightning.  There are many, many

windows in this house.  Most of them are the Southern

Colonial style floor to nearly ceiling ones.  The windows

in the family room are 17 feet across.  On a storm free

day they are wonderful, but when the lightning is flashing

away, there is no way not to notice the light show.

So when the storms begin, I head for the dressing room and into the master bath

because it is the only room in the house without windows.  Day or night I close the

bathroom door behind me and wait until the rumbling seems to be over.  The 

other night I was in there for two full hours.  

It's silly and I hate myself for being such a pansy!

I could have been in bed under the covers, but instead I barricaded

myself in the bath.  Silly and childish thats what I am.

So I decided that I am going to face my fear.

I read up on thunderstorms.  I learned that I am pretty safe inside.

Yes, the house could be struck by lightning.  I already knew that

because it has happened to me twice, yet the chance of me being

struck by lightning while inside is pretty slim.  

I learned that I can wear my iPod and listen to music to distract me

from the booming thunder.  It's okay to do that as long as I am inside

the house.  Just don't connect an iPod to your ear when outside during 

a storm.  Keep the doors and windows closed and don't stand in 

front of the window.  I can just find ways to occupy myself and

start desensitizing my fears by facing them.

Last night we had a big storm right after dinner.  The lightning strikes

were very close and the thunder was really loud.  David and Bentley

sat with me.  I said the Lord's Prayer to myself.  I survived.  

I think I can do this.  I really do.  And I will need to be brave

because we have thunderstorms in the forecast through this

coming weekend.  Wish me luck.

Big Texas Hugs,

Susan and Bentley