Monday, May 4, 2015

The Sorrow of Being Childless on Mother's Day


I am taking the rest of the week off because Mother's Day is
this coming Sunday.  For years it has been a difficult and a
sorrowful day for me because I am childless and not by
choice.  While my own Mom was still alive, I would hide
my tears each Mother's Day and make sure that the day was
special for her.  Now that she is gone, I do what I can to
 shield myself from the onslaught of ads everywhere. I can
 hide from the world for a week while all the reminders and
gift suggestions and brunch reservations are flooding the
airways.



I'll stay away from blogging because I know that everyone will be
talking about their kids and Mother's Day tablescapes and gift ideas.



I am not a mom, so I just want to disappear until the day passes.

It's not that I have not wanted to be a mom.  I did want to be
a mother.  It is my greatest regret and my biggest heartache.




There was always the hope of a successful pregnancy, yet there was the
repeated disappointment and heartache that follows the loss.  I would 
always wonder why me?  What had I done wrong?  What could I have
done differently?  I had advice from everyone.  At one point I even consulted
a Cherokee Medicine Woman.  I would have done anything.



Friends would encourage me.  I made one last effort.  It really looked
promising this time.  I was cautious and careful while doing my best to
remain optimistic yet one Sunday afternoon the familiar pains began and
I knew ….it was over.



I was worn down by the whole thing.  I couldn't try anymore.  I didn't have
the emotional or physical strength to endure another pregnancy.  I would
never give birth.  It was my new reality and it left a gaping hole in my heart.



Over the years I have suffered through some very painful words from others
regarding my childless condition.  Many were unintentional but sadly some
were not.  




I have learned that there are some people in life who derive real pleasure
from another's pain.  There is no way of dealing with someone like this.
They are best avoided. 



Do I regret not adopting?  Yes, sometimes I do.  I did consider it.  Looking back
I think I was too fragile to make an attempt at adopting.  It didn't help that a
friend of mine had adopted and after bonding with the baby girl had to return
her to the birth mother because that young woman had decided she had made
a mistake and wanted her baby back.  My friend was crushed.  



I had friends who were going to China in hopes of adopting.  A long
and arduous process that was not always successful.  But for this one
couple, after many failed attempts and at great expense, a darling little
baby was finally granted to them and they made the long trip to 
China to bring their new child home.  I was happy for them.



My very dear childhood friend divorced after an unhappy marriage.  She
had always imagined herself being a mother yet knew it was not going to
happen in the conventional manner.  She explored adoption and decided 
that her best opportunity was to adopt a child from Russia.  She made it
through all the paperwork and flew over to Russia to bring home her
little girl.  Daria is now in high school.  I am planning on seeing the two
of them this summer.

Yet somehow, adoption just never seemed right for us.  And
perhaps I did not have the emotional stamina to go through it all.




Eventually I accepted that I would never be a mom.  I turned my love
for kids in a new direction.  I trained to become a children's story teller.
I went out to neighborhood schools and entertained the kids with
stories and games.  I mentored kids in need.  I illustrated stories for our
local library.  All of this helped to soothe my broken soul.  

And of course there is my dear little Bentley.  He is the one
I nurture now.



For all of you who are moms I wish you a happy day this coming
Sunday.  Cherish your children and enjoy each moment  and every 
memory.  I envy you.



As for me ~ I will disappear into my own little world for this
next week.  It's easier for me this way.  See you later.

Big Texas Hugs,
Susan and Bentley








71 comments:

  1. I am sort of in the same boat as you Susan. I haven't celebrated Mother's Day since my mother died in 2013. I am a mother myself but through some certain circumstances my son wants nothing to do with me and I haven't spoken to or seen him since 2008. My current husband ( not my son's father as he is deceased) cannot have children and we were always so busy with his business that we didn't try to adopt and now I feel it is too late for my age. I just wouldn't have the energy even if the child was older and as we work 6 days a week so it just wouldn't work out. I too envy people that have their children in their lives and I cry if I happen to see a boy who reminds me of my son. I just stay home on that day and usually work in the yard.

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    1. I am so sorry to read that you are estranged from your son. I will pray that God softens his heart. My thoughts are with you.

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  2. Dear Susan - my heart goes out to you. I know that heartache, and lived with IT for many years, finally adopting successfully. My best friend and I bonded over the solitary pain of wishing and hoping - no one knows the anguish like someone who has been there. Thoughtless people will always be around us, and I can't count the people who have old me that they could never adopt because the had 'have their own'.
    I am not surprised that, with your generous heart, you give your time your time and energy to children in a big way through the reading and illustrating you've done.
    Sending you hugs, from one who knows.

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    1. Oh my goodness, the typos! That's what happens when I am writing about something close to my heart!

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    2. First of all ~ no worries about any typos. I am happy that you finally adopted. However, I am saddened by the callous remarks made to you by others. Adoptive parents are wonderful parents. It takes a very special person to give of themselves in that manner. Shame on anyone who ever tried to hurt you. I'll never understand it.

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  3. Oh, Susan, my heart goes out to you! You seem like the kind of person who would make a wonderful mother. It confuses me that people who desperately want children sometimes never get them while people who don't want or care for children receive many. Life is sometimes very unfair. I think you're wise to stay away from things that cause you pain. No need to stir yourself up unnecessarily.

    You'll be in my prayers this week, dear one.

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    1. Thank you for your kind words Kimberly. It has taken me quite a long time to come to terms with being childless but Mother's Day always opens up old wounds so I have learned to avoid it now that I can.

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  4. I feel your pain, Susan. I too am childless. My mom passed 13 years ago. I am an only child so there are no nieces and nephews. What really gets me is not the Mother's Day celebrations, but when I read horror stories of those who have been blessed and abuse, starve, beat and kil their children. I understand now, it took me many years, that our journey here on earth is all about lessons, and mine was not to be a mother, but to learn other things. So I enjoy meeting sweet children who come into my life via friends, or neighbors, I have learned to tone down the gift giving/spending, and I love my feathered babies. I am where God wants me to be. And that gives me peace.

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    1. Me too ~ no kids and no siblings. You and I will just spread our nurturing needs on the animals we love. Thanks for stopping by Barbara. Hope we can meet in person one day.

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  5. Susan,
    In this situation, we can bond over this sad fate of us that are childless but not because we certainly did not try, repeatedly. And after many attempts and failures, I finally just stopped trying. What really broke my heart was what I read of yours:
    Over the years I have suffered through some very painful words from others
    regarding my childless condition. Many were unintentional but sadly some
    were not.

    As I was subject, and still am, to those thoughtless words of others. I did give birth;however, my child did not survive. Nethertheless, I still had a child and buried a child. But I am not considered a mother by so many, including most of my coworkers. I was always told to work extra hours because 'I didn't have a family". Every time I heard that phrase, it hurt.
    GADawn57

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    1. I am so very sorry about the loss of your child. I cannot imagine anything worse. My heart goes out to you. Of course you were and still are a mother. And I am so saddened to hear the words of your thoughtless coworkers. Blessings to you my friend.

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  6. First, I can't imagine why anyone would say something to hurt women like you above. That is shameful. For me, it is the other way around. I never had a mom. I hated to go out on Mother's Day because I would see mother and child having such a nice lunch. I thought: Why didn't I have a mom too?
    Brenda

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    1. I am so sorry you didn't have a mom. Days like Mother's Day can be painful for many for so many different reasons. Maybe you and I should organize a little trip for the motherless, the childless, those who have lost a child too soon, those who are estranged from their kids. A little retreat where we could find our own way to enjoy the day.

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  7. Susan, I am so sorry for this heartache and loss.

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  8. Susan,
    We don't always understand why things happen to us or don't. It is the way and path the Lord has planned for us. I cannot imagine what you must feel, as like you, I wanted to be a Mother and in God's plan for me, he me gave children. We all have our different kinds of loss and heartache. I totally understand why you don't want to be reminded of all the Mother's Day hoopla. I am so blessed to have found you. My heart aches for you, as if we were blood sisters. Please call or text me if you need to talk about anything. Love you...

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    1. You have become the sister I never had and it's been a blessing for me. Love you too!

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  9. Susan - You would have been a fantastic Mother. I still remember the first Mother's Day after I lost my Mom in March of that year. I was devastated. It still is a little traumatic but then I go see those three great grandbabies and don't have time to worry. I know so many people (some family) that have started the adoption procedure and then something happens - it is so terrible.Such grief. But, you did what your sweet self said to do and worked with children whom I'm sure were greatly impacted by your love and attention.

    Praying for you especially this week.

    Judy

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    1. Thank you Judy. Yes, working with kids has been a big help for me. It's given me joyful moments for sure.

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  10. Life is hard to understand. It is such a shame someone like you would love and provide for a child cannot be blessed. Whereas, others spit them out and then mistreat them. Adoption is great for some, but it is definitely for everyone. It tool courage to share such a personal aspect of your life.

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    1. I will never understand that either. Back when we lived in Idaho we had an elderly neighbor whose granddaughter came to live with her. The granddaughter had three little boys all from different fathers. These little guys were allowed to run out in the street in their diapers and bare feet. One of them was hit by a car. The little guy survived but was put in protective home services not long after as were the other two boys. Before this happened one of the little guys came over to our house one evening, shoeless, in dirty clothes. He walked right through our unlocked screen door and came over to the sofa and wedged himself between my husband and myself. I looked over at my husband and asked "couldn't we keep him?" I wish we could have kept him. We would have loved and cared for him. We sent him home because we had to, but in my heart I know he would have a tough road ahead and I grieved for his future. Thanks for your kind words LV.

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  11. My dear Susan,
    You ARE a mother and your children are in heaven, as are mine. You will be in my prayers on Mother's Day, that special day when EVERY mother is remembered and celebrated.
    With love . . .

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    1. I am so sorry for your loss. I will pray for you as well. Thank you for coming to see me and leaving a comment.

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  12. Susan, My thoughts and prayers will be with you throughout the week. Take comfort in Bentley's unconditional love. Our dogs are so in tune to are feelings at any given time.

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    1. So true Gayle! Thanks for stopping by.

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  13. (((((Susan and her fur baby Bentley)))))

    Hugs to you.

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  14. Dear Susan,
    My heart is heavy for you. I am sending prayers for you.
    I know you would have been an excellent Mom and those kids you have shared your talents with are very lucky.
    I think that get away for others who are going through something similar sounds like a really good idea. My sil and my brother are visiting from AZ. They were older when they married and unable to have kids. I know it is hard for them as well. They would have been excellent parents too. Big hugs to you.

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    1. I have learned that often the best way to help yourself is to help others. I have had great joy from my work with kids.

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  15. Oh Susan, My heart is filled with tears for you. We watched my son and his wife try for many years and go through losses--but they finally did have a healthy baby. It is so so so painful when you want children and can't have them. My heart just aches for you. You would have been a wonderful mother because you are so loving and caring. I know it is not the same but look at the "mom" you are to Bentley. What a precious gift he is to you...and likewise...you to him.

    I wish it had turned out differently for you and you will never know this side of Heaven why life turned out the way it did...God bless you-Warm hugs from me to you- xo Diana

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    1. I know that it is part of God's plan. It just gets lonely sometimes. Thank you for your friendship. It really helps to know that I can be honest and open sometimes.

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  16. You have so beautifully written your story of hope lost. I have been there and I know the pain, the emotional roller coaster. And you know the pain I've endured from the choice we made. And oh what I would give to be with my mother again. Nothing was so unbearable while Mother was here to listen and understand. You also have that added pain. I love you, sweet lady, and I'm wishing you happiness every day because you deserve it.

    Mary

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    1. I know that you understand Mary. Please know that I am always here for you too dear friend. The very best thing about blogging is the wonderful friends I have made like you. I am so happy that we have been friends for so long now. You know I saved that note you wrote to me several years ago when you sent me that adorable pin cushion. Both are treasures to me and always make me smile!

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  17. Oh my Dear Susan, i was just thinking how sad i was cause my mother is not with me any more and you Dear Susan just took my breathe away! and i will pray for God to hear your prayer for a baby of your own.....all my life someone always told me when God close one door he will open up another, do not give up on your faith and hope for a beautiful baby of your own. it will happen, trust and believe it will, and God knows your heart and all the love you and your husband would give to a precious baby and Susan you were a mother for a short while, cause you carry one of your own it may not been for long, but you did! my dear child you know best of all how much love there is to be a mother then some that do not have no clue. God Bless You and Your Husband and you will never know what God has plan for you that is coming your way.

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    1. Thank you dear Wanda. I am afraid there will be no human babies for me, only fur ones. That is fine. I am coming to terms with my life. I hope that by sharing my story, others will find some solace. The pain and loss of miscarriage lasts a lifetime. It is nothing to be ashamed of and should be better understood than it is. Maybe one day it will be. I hope so.

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  18. I am so sorry. My daughter, who is 42, goes through the same thing. She says this is the hardest holiday of the year to get through. So hard. I am glad you have found a way to successfully deal with it at this point in your life. I know that sweet Bentley does know you are his mom.
    I have 2 kids and they are both married, but we have no grandchildren. Thoughtless people ask us all the time "When are you going to be grandparents??" I don't even know what to say. I wish that people actually thought before they blurted. Wouldn't that be nice?

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  19. Susan, I am so sorry that you are going through this...xoxo

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  20. Replies
    1. Not to worry, I will be back the day after Mother's Day. I will have lots of things to show you next week. I have been working on the dollhouse and other things too.

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  21. Dear Susan, I think it is lovely, what you wrote or rather how. It is awful to not be able to get pregnant, I know. I can only be grateful that I am still under that age where I start needing to worry and that nothing seems to be wrong physically. I think it is wonderful how you turned your efforts in another direction. It is necessary to accept when it will not happen, or change this. But it is not necessary to have a horrible life because of the fact. So I think you are an amazingly brave woman. Wanting to hide from the Mother's Day hype I can completely understand. There was a time when I wanted to hide from our friends with little babies. Thank you for sharing, your thoughts, your troubles and your lovely words and photos with us once again.
    Jodie

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    1. I don't know how brave I am, but thank you for the compliment. I think it's sad that more women don't feel comfortable speaking out about the heartache of miscarriage. If I can help to open up the dialogue, then I will be happy.

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  22. Dear Susan, my heart was so touched reading about your heart's pain and I will be praying for you on Mother's Day. Something that I am learning as I go through life is that God has a plan for each of us and God knows best. Oh, it's often so very hard to believe that and except it. Especially when it goes against our heart's desire. I've learned that there are mysteries that we will never understand on this earth. Perhaps in heaven all will be made clear. I have a 42 year old son who finds the time in his busy schedule to call me 3 times a year...my birthday, Mother's Day, & Christmas. The pain of rejection and neglect has been so intense at times that I was literally physically and emotionally sick from a broken heart. I've asked God to please take away the pain and He has helped me. I still grieve when I see loving sons being caring and thoughtful to their elderly mothers, but a kind of numbness has replaced the sharp stabbing pain and the endless questions. I was a loving and tender mother and he was the sweetest little boy. We had such a happy relationship during his growing up years. But, when he got to college, "The Girlfriend from Hell" poisoned him against us and told him that we were toxic parents. I don't know how he could, but he believed her. He distanced himself from us and hardened his heart to us. My husband still checks our email every day in hopes that our son has sent an email. But, we may get only 2 or 3 a year. So, Susan, every day for years I asked myself what I did wrong. I walked the floor at night, crying with a broken heart, the rejection almost choking me. Why would he turn against us? Until, I finally realized that everyone makes choices. We were good parents, & for whatever reason he has chosen this path. So, we have determined to be happy with our lives, to rejoice in our happy marriage, and to enjoy the blessings and joys of every day. We are not responsible for his decision, and we no longer allow his attitude to destroy our happiness and mar the years we have left. He is accountable for his own actions. Susan, everyone I meet has pain and is carrying scars. May your scars be healed and may your heart be filled with joy. Love, Bev

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    1. Bev, I feel for you. I really do. When we're given children, we assume things will be a certain way. We'll all be close, and they'll visit often or invite us over to visit. They'll call just to chat. But it seems that once they grow up some of them desire not to stay close or to invite us into their lives and we have to do the connecting to even see them, especially these days. I don't understand this. Perhaps it's due to personality conflicts. Each child is born with a certain personality, and it doesn't always mesh with ours. Perhaps staying away makes them feel healthier. Not that anything is wrong with us or them. But sometimes things just don't mesh. We can work our hardest to be the best mom we can be, and they just don't get us - they misunderstand us, and there's not much we can do to fix that. They have a filter they view us through and it's hard to get past it. It's very painful.

      I like your attitude. And it's mine as well. I will be there if they need or want me, but I'm not going to torture myself because they choose not to call very often, or only text me on my birthday or Mother's Day. It seems to be the way kids live now. In fact, I've realized that I also hold my own mother at arm's length and didn't even realize it until I saw things as an older mother. Kids just don't think about how we feel. They're focused on their own lives. We're just moms to them. We're that woman who raised them who will be there if they need us, but otherwise, they need to live their lives. We may be fortunate enough to stay close, but it's not a given. It's really up to the child how the relationship goes. All we can do is be available and willing. I do keep in touch with my mother and send her cards and gifts on holidays, and we visit my parents from time to time (less so lately due to difficult situations that make it hard to travel). But whenever I talk to her on the phone I sense a tension between us. We are both strong, opinionated women. Perhaps that is what makes me hold back. But it's not her fault or mine. Just a personality clash. I love her very much.

      Well, I've written a book, I'm afraid. But I hope I've said something useful. Speaking of books, I recommend a book called Walking on Eggshells for parents struggling to relate to their grown children. It's helped me a great deal just to know that I'm not alone.

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    2. Dear Bev and Kimberly ~ I am so very sorry for the heartache each of you have endured. I was so close to my own parents I cannot imagine ever ignoring them. Sadly, I am guessing that neither of you are alone with your feelings. Please feel free to contact me any time you like. I am a good listener and I will be honored to help any way I can. I appreciate your continued friendship. I am here for both of you. God Bless

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    3. You're so kind, Susan! Thank you! And how blessed you are to have been close to your parents. My parents are lovely people. I respect and honor my parents. They've earned it. We're just very different people.

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    4. Bev ,My heart too aches for you! I too understand the pain of losing a child.My daughter who is now 40 has a mental illness called borderline personality disorder and I have not seen her for about 6 years now! We help raise her oldest son whom 8we love dearly and her younger son was adopted into a loving family in Montana! The heartache I feel daily knowing that my two grandsons have lost their mother h been unbearable at times! My lost daughter breaks my heart but I have also worked through the pain and am trying to enjoy my life and always doing everything I can for my grandchildren! Life is tough here on this earth for soooo many people! Hard to understand Gods plan! I too was adopted into a very loving family at two years old! Never knowing who my natural mother or any history always knows at me in the backround of my life. Life gos on and both our children have made their choices! So many times the women who come into a young mans life have manipulated them against there families! I will never understand it! They will never know the pain and heartache they have caused! So! I also lost my mother 5years ago . So! HAPPY MOTHERS DAY to us! We have beautiful animals who are our loving family and we need to enjoy what we are blessed with! Blessings and hugs! Cindy

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  23. I am so touched by your story. I'm sure Bentley will be a comfort as he would think of you as his momma. We have our little fur grand baby indefinitely at the moment and as empty nesters,find it's just like having a little child around,he's a joy. I'm not saying a fur baby can replace a baby but they certainly fill the gap. Happy Bentley's momma.hugs

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    1. Bentley is a comfort and a joy. My heart just swells with love each time I look at him. He is truly a gift and is as precious to me as any little dog can possibly be. Thanks for stopping by Jeanette. I had a friend named Jeanette when I was a little girl. I have always loved your name.

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  24. Dearest Susan,

    Thank you for honoring us with this post and with your feelings.
    You are loved Susan.
    We just keep moving when pain- for any variety of reasons- hits.

    Love to you,
    Laura
    White Spray Paint

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    1. You are so right about the importance of doing things and keeping busy when pain hits. It is the best medicine!

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  25. My heart goes out to you, Susan. I feel the ache in your soul. xo Laura

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  26. Good Morning, Susan,
    Once in rare while, I hear of someone who turned their loss and pain into something positive like you did with working with children. I am so proud of who my grandmother was. Her son was killed by the Japanese at the Battle of Saipan. He was 19 years old. Obviously, she never got over it and said that it always felt like it just happened yesterday. She always went out of her way to help people of Japanese descent in anyway she could. She lived her faith and knew that Japanese women lost their sons that day, too. She was such a beautiful person. That sorrow, carried for the forty years I knew Grandma and Grandpa, is the main reason I am a pacifist. Love -Ginene

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    1. God Bless you. You were fortunate to have such a loving and honorable grandmother. It's easy to "talk the talk" but the real humanitarians are the ones who live their faith despite adversity. Thank you for letting her be your role model and following in her footsteps. I know she is smiling down at you.

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  27. Thank you for sharing something so personal, most people have a sadness of some kind in their soul.......I too had suffered many miscarriages before finally having 2 pregnancies that survived......I was in my mid thirties!! We were blessed with 2 beautiful children. We divorced after 25 years, the children remained with me. After some time, my children turned their backs on me, I have not heard from them in more than 9 years now. For a long time I continued to send emails, cards and letters with no response and now have given up, the rejection was too much to bear. They have moved around and changed all their contact info so I can't contact them anyway!!

    Life is sometimes nasty and mean. I too hide from the holidays and try to wipe them from my mind. I find joy in other areas, and my life is filled with friends and extended family.......and so much love!! I understand your ache and pain........somehow we move on.

    Sending you love and good wishes........xoxoxo

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    1. Oh dear ~ another case of children being estranged from their mother. I am so very sorry. My heart breaks for you. I cannot begin to imagine your pain. Please reach out to me whenever you need a friend and I will be there for you. May God bless and keep you.

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  28. Life's not fair. I'm sorry for your pain and wish it could be taken away. Thank you for having the courage to write about it. Hearing your story heightens my sensitivity and compassion, and for that I'm grateful.

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    1. You are right. There are times when life does not seem fair. Many have it far worse than I do. I believe when we share each other's hardships the load becomes lighter. Thank you so much for reading my story and if it helps you or anyone else in any way, then it was worth telling.

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  29. Susan, I felt your pain and sorrow as I read. I am so sorry. I will think of you as you go through the shadows of the next week and into the sunshine again.

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  30. Susan, I am so sorry for your losses. I can't imagine not having my warm and loving daughter in my life and I feel so badly for everyone's losses that I read about. We lost our grown son 15 years ago on April 1. Everytime someone tells me an April Fool's joke I can hardly stand it. I know that the hurt is unintentional but it is a deep hurt nonetheless. I miss my mom every year since she passed. Just keep the love in your heart for little Bentley. He will return it one thousand times over as you well know..Judy

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    1. I am so sorry about the loss of your son. My woes pale by comparison. Thank you for stopping by Judy. You are a dear and kind soul and I am honored to know you.

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  31. Susan i am so sorry to hear this....new to your blog and dont know you too well yet. Sorry you have to go through this and i am here if you need to talk.

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  32. So glad you stopped by. Things are usually more upbeat around here. Stop by again. I promise to be more cheerful.

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  33. This post must have been very painful to write. I deeply appreciate the fact that you took the time to do it. I don't like mother's day, although my son who lives on the other side of the world will call -- if he remembers. I read an article just the other day which really hit home, and I posted the link on my Google+ page if you want to find it. It seems that the woman who invented the whole idea after the Civil War, then lobbied congress for years to make it a national holiday, turned against it after it became just another crass commercial way for some to make money. She spent the rest of her life trying to get it repealed because she hated what it had become. My own mother is gone, and has been for a number of years, and I think that bothers me more than the fact that my son has never sent flowers or any of the other stuff which now seems to be expected. When I was a child (back in the Dark Ages) everyone wore a flower on the lapel to church that Sunday. You wore red if Mother was living, white if she was not. And that was it! I don't remember any of this "Queen for a Day" stuff.

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  34. Susan,
    I am so sorry to hear & to feel the pain that you are feeling. I truly understand how you feel. My husband and I have been blessed to be married for twenty years, but we too are childless. For me to be a woman and to have a STRONG desire to be a mother, but not to know the actual joy of having a little miracle look into my eyes, hold my hand, and to call me mom is a hurt that I wish that we did not have to endure. After many years of trying to get pregnant, my husband and I began the process of adoption. However, I "chickened" out after hearing and seeing couples going through the process and still not being blessed with a child. I do understand that one has to go through the process, but I think that it is awful how the process is SO daunting; and then the VERY real possibility that a couple could still remain childless (let us not mention how expensive the whole process is). However, there is a reality that their are some people who can have as many children as they seem to want and not value their children (abuse or neglect them ). With that being said, I know that I am TRULY blessed in SO many ways & I thank the Lord for every good and perfect gift that He blesses me with. However, I do still wonder why I could not enjoy a child of "our" own. Although, I do not understand; but I do trust that the Lord has a perfect plan in my being childless. One such blessing is that He has allowed me to be an elementary teacher for the past twenty-three years, and I have been able to "sow" into the lives of many children. Some of the children who walk into my life as students are faced with the reality that they have parents who are not valuing them as the blessings that the Lord intended for them to be. My heart hurts for them, you, others who walk in this reality, and for myself. You are in my prayers. Please continue to hold onto the fact that you ARE a blessing to the children that you come into contact with & to many others, and while you are dealing with this time of the year; pamper yourself. You deserve it!

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  35. Dear Susan,
    First of all,I want to thank you for opening your heart so bravely and sharing your feelings with us.Sadly,I am not a good speaking (and writing) person.Plus,English is not my main language.So,I can't hope my words to mend your soul.Shortly I want to remind you that,in this world each of us is being examined one way or another.To be childless must be very difficult.But to lose her child or to have a disabled child is more difficult.Please remember that,many women are tasting those pains.As a different model,I am living another problem.I have two children,one boy and one girl.My boy isn't talking to me for a very long time with a simple reason.We live in same house but I don't see him clearly.Almost for several years I can't kiss him,I can't cuddle him.Dear Susan,I am really very sad for you.And I hope the God will bless you with very precious gifts in this world and in the other world.Wishing you a long and happy life.Hugs and kisses from Turkey.

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  36. Susan, you are so brave to open yourself up in this way and I am so very sorry for your pain. I am sorry too for people's awful comments. I have been there and I know how cutting they can be. I don't understand the motivation behind them, I really don't, but if it brings any solace whatsoever, I just read all of the comments here and so very many lovely ladies have left wonderful words of support and care. Your kindness comes across in every post you write and people feel that and connect with you. You have obviously touched so many lives in such a positive way...and I cannot imagine a better mother to that adorable pup. I hope you were able to find some peace in the day.

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Bentley and I LOVE and read every comment.

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