Friday, January 4, 2019

Waking Up From a Five Year Coma


I have experienced a lot of change over the past five years,
some of it wanted, but most of it not.  During this time period
I have done a pretty good job of fooling myself that I am 
better.  As my husband will admit, I do a very good job at
hiding the things that bother me the most.  I will tell him that
I am fine, but he knows me well enough to recognize the
cover up.

I try to fool the outside world too, while keeping up my
personal charade.  There is one thing that I do not have
control over, and that is my physical health.  All this 
hiding and deception eats away at me until I end up
really suffering.  It's been the recurrent theme of my life,
and if I am not careful, it could one day prove to be deadly.



Over the past six months I have experienced my deterioration.
Exhaustion, low grade fevers, sleepless nights.  I have suffered
through these before, but never to this extent.  Yes, I have been
tested, and no, never a definitive answer.  I have been given a
different prognosis every time, but no solution.  The symptoms
always begin with some sort of heartache I seem unable to shake.



The symptoms worsen by the actions of others who seem to take some
sick kind of pleasure in stirring up drama to cause misery.  This evolves 
into a sensation of being kicked in the gut when I am already down.
In the past I have been fairly powerless to control this nasty intrusion in
my life, but things came to a head this past November.  I finally had
enough!  

While the heartache of losing several close family members in a five
year period is not a cakewalk, and takes longer than I would have ever
dreamed, the back stiffening required to eliminate the repeated emotional
assault from others has been accomplished at long last.  I have drawn my
line in the sand and there is no going back.  I have forgiven twice, but
never again.  What angered me this past November tuned out to be a
gift in disguise.  It finally opened my eyes to the fact that it doesn't 
matter one bit who the person, or persons are who are getting a kick
out of pushing my buttons, I don't have to take it, and the final straw
has been pulled and now there is no going back.

I am not totally sure how the change occurred, but one did.  I feel
so much stronger emotionally.  I woke up to the fact that there is
much I want to accomplish in this life and I don't need any road
blocks to keep me from fulfilling my dreams.  The coma I was
living through is a thing of the past.
  


If there is someone or something who has been holding you back,
stand tall and start walking away, even if it is only one step at a time.
Just like me, you too can start stepping over life's roadblocks.

Sparkle and Shine and Big Texas Hugs,
Susan and Bentley







26 comments:

  1. I am so proud of you for finding some answers for yourself. I too have had a rough time with loss of loved ones, care taking and lack of taking care of me. I'm so much stronger now and I have realized that some relationships take more out of me then they are worth. So hard to draw that line in the sand (I am such a pleaser) but my health has also suffered. Like you so real diagnosis but malaise none the less. My therapy had helped me look at things and realize I can't be everything to everybody and survive. Toxic relationships have got to go. Hugs!!

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    1. I am looking forward to a brighter year for us both!

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    ReplyDelete
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    1. Sometimes all you can do is forgive and lay it down.

      I wrote something more in my first comment, but was sad about how I said it. I hope you don't mind I deleted it.

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    2. No worries about the delete. Forgiving is what we are expected to do and must do. Some chose t keep picking up the sword. That's when you know it's time to walk away!

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  3. Sparkle and shine to you too. I am suffering from a tooth ache that means I will have a root canal soon. Good for you for facing obstacles and making changes.

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    Replies
    1. I will pray that your root canal goes well and that your pain is gone. Not much worse than a toothache!

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    2. Tera! Don’t stress about your tooth ! Ha! I had a root canal without ANY medication ! Ugh ! I am the biggest anxiety worrier and got through it ! Hang 8n there girl ! It will on,y take @bout an hour or so !

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  4. This is beautifully written and you are strong and inspiring. Hold tight to this. Listening to yourself and your heart isn't always easy; sometimes there is a lot of noise. But more often than not, you and only you can find the right way to move ahead with strength and personal power. Bravo to you.

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  5. Well said. I'm glad that you have finally taken a stand and have drawn a line in the sand so to speak. Some abuses can be forgiven but trust is broken and can't be reestablished. I've been through this recently. If it was physical abuse it'd be easy to draw that line. Emotional and verbal abuse are less obvious but they can be equally damaging. I'll say a prayer for you, dear Susan. I know you are ready to feel good again. I hope that your physical body heals as your spirit moves forward.

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    1. Emotional and verbal abuse are often hard to explain to others, but they are real and for some bizarre reason those who inflict take pleasure in chipping away at someone's soul. I lived with it for almost thirty years now, and I refuse to do so any longer just to maintain a sham of peace in the family. Finally time for me to walk away no matter who finds it hard to accept. Katie, you and I live in the same state, yet it seems like we are so far away. I would love to come up to Dallas this spring to meet with you and the rest of the group. I think it would be fun!

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  6. Years ago I drew my line in the sand with a relative who was the king of back-handed compliments. He had the ability to talk down to me and insult me with an amiable smile on his face. I realized that he did not want to have a relationship with me (or anyone else) unless he was the top dog. I finally got tired of having to talk to him and explain why his words and behavior were insulting. I got tired of his insincere apologies and repeated transgressions so I walked away and never looked back. What an improvement to my life! This person has a pattern of people walking away from him.

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    1. I understand that only too well, and I am sorry you had to experience this person. I have learned that some are incapable and or unwilling to consider the feelings of others. There are also some who enjoy driving a wedge and live by the motto, "Divide and Conquer". I just got tired of the game playing and the scheming to try to ruin my marriage and shut the door on any future relationship. I feel sorry for those who choose to meddle as they only end up hurting themselves. Perhaps they need to realize that fact before it is too late.

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  7. Susan, I admire your courage in making a decision that is best for you. Many times we can avoid toxic people but it's difficult when it's family. Most likely if we weren't related to these people, wouldn't have anything to do with them. If you don't take care of yourself, no one can do it for you. Sending you lots of hugs and prayers.

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    Replies
    1. Thank you, Donna. I could have easily ignored this person if it had not been a family member. Because of the circumstances, I kept hoping for the best. Over time I realized that the relationship was always like a double edged sword and I never knew when the nasty side would show up again. Now, I don't care. I have shut the door on any future interaction.

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  8. God bless you Susan. I'm so glad you had the courage to make this decision to remove the person from your life. Ones who inflict this kind of hurt isn't worth ruining your own health. Take care, Bentley needs you lol. ~

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  9. I've come back to this post again, Susan, because it touched me so deeply the first time. Empowerment is a great thing but it doesn't always come easily. As one of the club who held things in for too long (and like you, had serious physical consequences), when finally able to release that burden and regain myself -- well, it was a life changer. I'm sorry for your losses in the past few years, both those through death and those through the parts of life that we'd rather not have had happen to us. That line can be a tough one to draw. I admire you more than I can say.

    I also wanted to add that I just finished reading a remarkable book called "Educated" by Tara Westover. Her life was far different, I think, than yours. Yet her pain, her relationships -- well, I see some similarities, particularly in the struggle to finally draw that line and remain determined not to cross it. It's not an easy book in some ways, though fascinating. But perhaps you might find it interesting.

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  10. Some things in life cannot be controlled, but we can control others. No person is worth knowing if you cannot trust them, or it you must bow to their recurrent game playing. It's like that song says, "You have to know when to hold them. Know when to fold them. Know when to walk away ...." Is that Kenny Roger's song?

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  11. Good for you girl. You are a beautiful person inside and out and I can't understand anyone would want to play the mean games they seem to play. I am glad that you have come through this stronger. You have a wonderful husband, and beautiful home, and Bentley, and I wish you continued strength in body and mind. Love your posts and you are the first I always open. I am looking forward to your first book. Please keep us updated on how your writing is coming. Love and Hugs!

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  12. It sounds like you had enough and have taken a stand, Susan. God bless you for having the courage to do what is best for you. Happy 2019 and may it hold many new blessings in this year.

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  13. GOOD for YOU ! Life is SHORT ! Enjoy what you have left and STAY AWAY from all the EVIL ! Including friendships that are destructive ! I have many friends and I have CUT LOOSE those who are NOT GOOD for my soul ! Much better now ! Soooo much more peaceful ! Enjoy your husband ! Bentley and your life !! God Bless ! Cindy

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  14. I haven't kept up with your blog in awhile (or anybody else's for that matter), but I'm glad to hear that whatever has been hurting you and holding you back has now been resolved. I think it's wonderful that you found the courage, the strength to do what you felt you had to do for the sake of your own life and for your husband as well. Whoever this person/people is/are, they are not worth ruining your life over. So happy for you to have a fresh start for a New Year. May it be your best year yet:)

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  15. A very wise young pastor at our church spoke about forgiving those who constantly upset us.
    He said that, yes, we are to forgive those who trespass against us.
    HOWEVER, there is good reason to forgive, AND THEN not let the toxic people back into our lives.
    This has been the case with me in the past.
    I hope this helps you.
    Kay in UK

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  16. Hello, I can understand your feeling, sometimes you have to let the words out. I'm new to your Blog and I really liked it, I hope you're stronger. Xoxo

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Bentley and I LOVE and read every comment.

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