Saturday, February 21, 2015

The Anniversary of Mom's Passing


Last year at 4:30 am my Mom passed away from this world into 
another.  I was with her.  I remember every moment of those wee
hours of the morning.  The darkness, the stillness.  The phone call to the 
hospice nurse who had just been with us a few hours earlier. 

The oxygen being shut off.  The lights in her dimly lit bedroom suddenly
bright.  The soft classical music playing in the background.  The 
stethoscope.  The nurse checking her watch for the exact time.



I was impervious to pain.  I was lost in a haze ~ somewhere ~ nowhere ~ like
a body dropped off a ship and left to float in an unknown sea.  Alone, so
terribly alone now.  

Going through the motions.  Talking with and yet not fully hearing the words of the
nurse sitting by my side.  Waiting for someone from the mortuary to arrive.
Feeling so uncertain in a town where I had only lived for a few short months.



It was nine days since her massive stroke.  I was always hopeful, despite the
dire predictions of the palliative care physician.  He knew the end was coming
although I chose not to accept it.  

Now it was over.  Had I forgotten how to breathe?  I was cold, so cold
I could not warm up.  Get some rest I was told.  Later that day would be
a busy one.  I felt like I had left my body and was looking at myself from
afar.  I was thrust onto a stage and left without a script.  

It was over ….


During these last twelve months I have struggled with my loss.  Some
months were better than others.  I had a very tough set back last fall, yet
somehow and from somewhere I began to feel a renewed strength.  I 
nurtured that tiny bit of strength.  I held on to it tightly.  As I nurtured
it, it began to grow slowly and steadily.  

Time does indeed heal wounds.  I made it through the past year without
completely crumbling.  I know that my Mom and Daddy are together
and that gives me comfort.  If you were to eavesdrop on me when I am
at home alone, you might well catch me talking to them.  I fill them in on
what's going on in my life.  I feel like they are listening and that helps
me cope with the loss.


I am hopeful for the future.  Life goes on and although greatly missed,
 loved ones always live on in our hearts.  I love you mama.

Big Texas Hugs,
Susan and Bentley

35 comments:

  1. Susan, you have come so far in this past year. You have pulled through the grief and pain. Hold on to that little bit of strength and keep nurturing. Time does heal all wounds. Take the time you need to fully regain your strength. My mother passed almost 30 years ago and I still talk to her when I feel lonely. Sometimes, it's exactly what we need. (((Hugs)))

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    Replies
    1. Thanks for the hugs and for being such a dear friend.

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  2. Oh Susan....
    a big hug for you today!

    Sweet friend, I know........
    you described the grieving to the T.

    Thinking of you....

    peace and love....

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  3. ps: and like VG said, they do hear you. I talk to Jordan. my Mom and Fiona all of the time...and say good morning to them each day..

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    Replies
    1. I know you understand. I am very glad to know that I am not the only one who talks to my dearly departed pups. I like to think of them playing with my daddy and my grandparents. All huge dog lovers.

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  4. This is such a lovely memorial to you Mother. You are right loved ones are a part of us and will always live in our hearts.

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  5. Oh Susan,Plaese hold on to the strength that you have,try to embrace your life and talking to your Mother is a good thing,I still talk to my Father and Sister but time will heal your heart,then all memories just make you smile..I sing to them.Big Hugs.xxx.

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    Replies
    1. You are so right ~ time heals. Sending you a big hug right back.

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  6. Life isn't pleasant all the time and healing take time. I speak to my mother every Saturday like we did on the phone and it has been 18 years since her death. I still have a sweater of hers and I wear when I need strength.

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    Replies
    1. I wear my Mom's sweaters too. Next time I do, I will think of you too.

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  7. Wonderful memories ! My mum has been gone now for 7 years and I still cant get used to not having her around I still hear her voice every now and then saying things to me and making me laugh ! They will always live in out hearts and our memories ! Have a good weekend !

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    1. Your Mum sounds like my grandmother. She had a good sense of humor too just like your mum and I always laugh when I think of all the funny things she used to say. Thanks for stopping by.

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  8. I can't believe it has been a year. I know how hard it has been. Well not exactly but just from your words. So glad to hear a peace in your heart. Greiving is so hard. You never forget. Wish we could just talk to them once in awhile. Sending hugs.

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    1. I too find it hard to believe the year has already passed. Grieving is hard. It does help to talk with them. I just wish they could reply. Have a happy weekend Debby.

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  9. I can truly empathize with you. Mother was 89 when she passed away 9 years ago. We were so very close and we still are. I, like many of the other replies, still talk to her. I talk to my dad too. Mostly in the garden, since he gave me my love of gardening. The raw pain goes away, but the lonely feeling does not. I have many loving memories. Sounds like you do too. God bless you...

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    Replies
    1. Thank you Martha. I agree with everything you said. Thanks for being so supportive.

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  10. Hi Susan,
    I am so sorry to read about the loss of your mother one year ago. It must have been very difficult. I can empathize with how your feelings have evolved over the year since she has been gone; my Mom will be gone one year in April. Your Mom was a very beautiful woman and raised a wonderful daughter. Take comfort in that.
    Have a good weekend with Bentley.
    Fondly,
    Cheryl @ 22 Applegate Lane

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    Replies
    1. I am sorry for your loss as well dear Cheryl. I am hoping that you have found comfort too.

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  11. I too lost my mom last year. Your description of how you felt was amazingly similar to how I felt when Mom passed. I felt so alone at the time. It didn't matter there were people around me. Thank you for sharing. You must feel blessed knowing you can reach out and touch people's hearts. I wish you joy and comfort in the sweet memories you have of your Mom.

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    1. So sorry for your loss. If I can help anyone, touch their hearts as you say, then I am happy to have done so.

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  12. I still talk to my love ones that have passed and I know they hear me, so I believe that they are listening, Susan. You're never really alone, as long as you believe that.

    (((hugs)))
    rue

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  13. I know how hard this is. My Mom has been gone for 24 years, she was too young and so was I. It takes ALOT of time for the hurt to lessen. Grieve in your own way, there is no wrong way. Hugs to you.

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  14. Susan - my heart aches with and for you! I know all of those feelings so well. I think you have done a great job of handling the situation, but, then of course, what choice do we have? Right? Don't feel bad - I go into John's room every night and tell him Good Night and Sweet Dreams. It's something I had done for the four years since he was home from retirement and it's just not something you can just shut off immediately.

    Prayers for your peace during this time of remembrance.

    Judy

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    Replies
    1. My dear friend, I know you have been through your own heartache this past year. John was a wonderful, kind and good hearted man. The loss is huge. Keep telling him Good Night. I am sure he hears you. Love to you dear girl.

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  15. I know exactly what you are saying. I promise it does get less painful, although you will always miss your parents. My husband and I laugh every single day about some funny thing my mother used to say or do. As long as you have your memories, you still have them with you. That first year is the hardest. The day after I buried her, the contractor called to say they were starting the new sunroom in the morning! That actually kept me busy for a few weeks till it was finished, and then I sat out there for the next year, lost in the tree tops, basically just decompressing. It had been a hard five years, those last years of her life. Three years later, I wrote a book about her. Maybe it would help you to write down your feelings and memories from time to time. And I know what you mean -- I sometimes find myself talking to her, although she has been gone for almost thirteen years. But always remember the poem she gave to me to read at her funeral. It begins: "Don't stand o'er my grave and weep, for I am not there..."

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    1. Thank you Ellen. Your kind words mean so much to me.

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  16. Oh Susan, what a beautiful tribute post to your mother. I know you have struggled hard with your loss. But you have gotten through one year. I think having just moved there, and then losing her, was just too much for you to handle at the same time. Every day is progress. A step toward the future, whatever that is.
    Brenda

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    1. I have survived. That's my motto now. So now that I have, what's next? I am actually looking forward to the future now. Thanks for standing with me these past five years. You have always been my connection to this blog world of ours.

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  17. Susan, I lost my mom 15 years ago and I miss her very much. I try to honor her by being the woman she would have been proud of. I know my mother wants me to be happy and yours does too. This is a beautiful tribute and I am sending lots of hugs your way.
    xx,
    Sherry

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  18. Susan;
    Believe me, Our Loved ones Hear us. Please continue to talk to them. They know Everything which we are going through.
    They Miss us as much as we do them. Life is a never ending circle of Love and Life.
    I wish that we lived closer so that we could talk.
    Please Take Care.

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  19. It will be 7 years this March that I lost my Mom. I think of her all the time, and miss her, but I know she is in a much better place, not ill and dependent as she was in those last months. It was very hard on her to be unable to take care of herself. I had a much worse time when I lost my mother in law. I went into a pretty bad depression for a year, almost to the day. My husband kept saying, she was my Mom, why are you so upset. I just kept saying over and over, do I really want, like my mother in law, to take care of these people who really don't care? At the end of the year, it finally dawned on me that the caring she was doing was what she wanted to do. It was how she showed us all she loved us. And that is really what I chose, a long time ago. I was never depressed again, and didn't go through that with my mother's death. I also realized that my family did care. I guess we deal with the different people in different ways.
    Hang in there, you can comfort yourself with the knowledge you took care of your mother at the end of her life, and that she knew you loved her. I don't really hear my Mom, in my hear of course, but sometimes my Grandma's voice comes back to me with something funny or profound.

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  20. Holding you oh so very close in my heart.♥

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Bentley and I LOVE and read every comment.

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